Chris Crocker’s Crystal Ball: Year’s Most Prominent ‘CeWebrity’ Prognosticates for You

What will 2008 bring? Tumult? Mayhem? Who can predict? Having no clue myself, I decided to enlist the help of somebody vital, dynamic and young, someone who, in addition, just happened to be the most compelling new celeb of ’07.

Who was the year’s brightest star? Which young Tennessee whippersnapperette shot out of obscurity and changed the way we think about fame, life and double-snapping? I’m talking about the reigning empress of the new Internet celebrities (or “ceWebrities”) that make all the red-carpeteers look dusty and worn! Yes, I’m talking about the “leave Britney alone” guy and soon-to-be reality TV star, Mr. Chris Crocker.

The following frantic e-mail exchange—Very To Catch a Predator! Very modern!—took place one week before Christmas.

S.D.: Let’s start with the upcoming presidential election: When you hear vicious people ragging on Hillary Clinton’s thick ankles—her cankles—have you ever leapt to her defense? Have you ever had a ‘leave Hillary alone’ meltdown?

C.C.: This election will be my first chance to vote, and I want to be confident in my choice. Everyone thinks it’s so controversial for Hillary to be in the running, but where are the openly gay presidential candidates? Don’t get me wrong, fag hags are great, but why have the hag when you can have the fag?

Your latest thing is getting out of a car bottomless, à la Britney. Mazel tov! Can we expect more of this kind of thing from you next year?

I am very proud to say that I am the first guy ever to give the paparazzi a crotch shot … although the media chose to ignore it, it happened! You can’t hide something so legendary, and I plan on leaving my legacy, so yes, you can expect more high-profile crotch shots. I’ll do it somewhere a little more public next time. They can publicize me crying over Britney Spears but they can’t publicize my crotch shot? It’s an unjust world.

Will you eat more or less next year? What is your dream weight? How will you achieve it?

I will eat less. I want to get down to my birth weight of five pounds and nine ounces.

How old were you when 9/11 happened? Where were you?

I was 12, so naturally I was aware of it, but like I said in the YouTube video that caused people to boycott me, I was more concerned with Britney at the time of 9/11, just as I was around the anniversary of 9/11 this year. When the anniversary of an inside job plotted by the government rolls around, my world doesn’t really stop turning. [CeWebrities have an unquestioning embwace of conspiwacy theowies.—S.D.]

Is your mother younger than me? Is your grandmother younger than me?

My mother had me at 14. I’m 20. Do the math. :)

Let’s talk about the U.S. economy, or rather, your economy: How much money will you make next year?

I don’t discuss my finances, however, if there are any wealthy Republican closet cases in need of an outing and a good hand job, I am available and ready for your coins. In 2008 my TV show will finally start airing, so I have a lot to look forward to. I personally think it is the answer to everyone’s prayers. [Chris is currently lensing a reality show, any details of which he stubbornly withheld during our cyber tête-à-tête. It’s totally hush-hush. —S.D.]

Will you still be living with Brandi from Rock of Love in ’08? Who is the bigger star? How did you meet?

I doubt I’ll be living with Brandi, but we’ll see. We’re a little too alike at times and a little too different all of the other times. I met Brandi on the Internet, the same place I’ve met every other significant person in my life.

If you could bring a celeb back from the dead, who would it be, and why?

I would bring back John Holmes so that he could fuck me. That dick was too pretty.

Which women’s accessory will become the must-have for next year? Are you familiar with Lanvin handbags?

I’m from the South, so maybe I’m jaded, but I think fashion is so 1995. How many times can leopard print come in and out of style? The only way fashion will become interesting to me is if I’m involved, and quite frankly, the offers aren’t rolling in.

Will Amy Winehouse make it through to next Hanukkah?

If she can write such beautiful, smart songs, surely she can pull herself back together. Next Page >