Zen Small Talk

When someone asks, “How’s it going?” answer, “As the necessary consequence of previous actions!” While they attain satori, make your escape.

If someone asks, “What’s new?” spread apart your hands and answer, “Everything!” with a creepy grin. If the creepy grin doesn’t work, try adding, “And also, nothing!” and tapping them on the nose.

If someone asks, “How’s it going?” answer, “How isn’t it going?” (cf: “What isn’t new,” “What time isn’t it,” “How isn’t it hanging,” etc.)

If someone asks, “What’s going on?” say, “What, indeed,” and then deliver a full and complete lecture on the doctrine of dependent origination.

If a clerk asks, “How can I help you?” demand to know, “Where was my face before I was born?” This becomes more effective the louder you shout.

When someone says, “Hey, it’s nice to see you, Ted!” try visualizing them as a rotting corpse full of maggots.

A well-timed non sequitur can often jog someone into higher awareness. When someone asks, “How’ve you been?” try replying, “Get out of my way!” In reply to “My best to you and your family,” say, “Is that my tie? Where did you get it?”

When someone says, “Good morning,” reply, “Bad . . . evening,” with a creepy, exaggerated wink. If that doesn’t work, try standing on your head.

If someone demands to know, “What’s the matter with you?” say, “What, indeed,” and then deliver a full and complete lecture on the Four Noble Truths.

Try tapping someone on the shoulder and saying, “You’re standing on my foot.” When they look down and say, “No, I’m not,” nod vigorously and say, “Think about it!”

When someone asks, “Which way is Varick Street?” slap them briskly across the face. While they attain satori, make your escape. (NB: Escape quickly.)

wheinrich@observer.com