WOOD WAR: 05.01.09

New York Post: There was so much to write about this morning! Looking at the Post's Web site, it's hard not to think that the photo illustration of a pig with Joe Biden's face superimposed on the pig's was not originally commissioned with a view to front-page placement. That's the Swine Flu Story of the Day for New York! The vice president suggested we avoid subways: what a tool! Then of course there is the late-breaking news that Supreme Court Justice David Souter is retiring, giving President Obama an unexpected early opportunity to shape the highest court in the land! Neither of these stories is on the front page today because a crazy person attempted to ram his Suzuki into Queen Beatrix of Holland. Five were killed in the apparent assassination attempt on the Queen's life, which means that the Post is in the rather awkward position of treating a story about a monarch not from England (but no stranger to the British tabloids, either) with gravity. "Assassin strikes" is the sober and straightforward headline splashed across the top of a photo that shows the smashed car of the assassin (who since press time has died of injuries he sustained in the attack) and two pedestrians who were presumably hit by his car.

Tomorrow is Derby Day! There's not much to say about the Derby this year, it seems: Instead of pumping up its coverage with some kind of dramatic sports angle on the front-running horses, the paper simply flags its bettor's guide. Uncle Bernie is the name of the favorite to win.

"PAYOFF!" It's Dicker Time today on the cover of the Post! It seems that a staff photographer fired by Governor David Paterson back when he took control of the State Senate Democrats from Marty Connor filed a discrimination suit against the Senate for $1.5 million, claiming he was replaced by a black employee without reference to his performance on the job. After a tussle with the current Senate Majority Leader Malcolm Smith, who had initially stood in the way, the Senate is now settling with the angry photographer for $300,000. This is played as a waste of taxpayer money on a mistake by the governor, which might be effective given the budget-slashing that governor has had to do since he arrived in office. Still, the amount seems kinda small for a giant front-page treatment. Mr. Dicker does little to suggest that the plaintiff's case has merit besides quoting without attribution a staffer who asks, if there was no wrongdoing, why did the governor settle? Right, that's the way that works. Anyway, it's Exclusive!

New York Daily News: Hmm. It seems to have taken the Daily News two days to read Selena Roberts' book about Alex Rodriguez? This time the story line is that he is a whiny baby! This is all the little stuff—the bad behavior that probably makes great reading but doesn't quite seem like front page news. From the inside: "During a series in Texas, Roberts writes, A-Rod went to a sex club while his wife, Cynthia, pregnant with their first child, was at home in New York. Rodriguez also turned off teammates by bragging about wild nights with strippers—and by making clumsy passes at other players' wives and girlfriends." "At the court of King A-Rod" is the best the paper can muster, not anything like "SHOCKING SEX CLUB REVELATIONS!" or "A-Rod Hit on My Wife!" This looks like it ought to have been a smaller refer. On the other hand, the News is not afraid to go big on Joe Biden's Trayf-Flu Gaffe! With so much rich material to work with, the Daily News headline reads: "JUST AIN'T SO, JOE." Then: "Biden derailed by gaffe on swine flu & subways." Is this supposed to be a reworking of "Say it ain't so, Joe?" Also, what "isn't so"? Did the vice president say something untrue, or just give bad advice? We think they were right to put the "Biden Gaffe" on the cover, but mostly it makes us wish the Post had done the same. And F.Y.I.: New York's mega millions jackpot is over $220 million. So there's that.

General observations:A sampling of display text from the Post's pages four and five today: "MAN UP, BIDEN!" Well, that's not so great. But then! "Frightened flu-fool veep urges kin to avoid subways and planes." Then there is that pig-portrait of Biden, and an ersatz scan of a memo to the vice president from the New York staff re: "Your Big Mouth." "Flu you, Joe, and the pig you rode in on," is the closing line. Why did we just spend so much time talking about the inside treatment of a story in the Post? Both to demonstrate that it should have taken the place of the Queen Beatrice assassination attempt on the front page of the Post and to demonstrate how badly the News squandered the potential for humor and outrage on its own wood today. We're calling the two lead stories a draw. This leaves us to compare "PAYOFF" with "At the court of King A-Rod," and we have to go with Mr. Dicker. The fact that the paper flags tomorrow's Derby we're calling inconsequential. For some reason, there's just not a lot of Derby fever in the air around here this year.

Winner: New York Post.