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Grim is in! Gloom is in bloom! The Hurt Locker and Precious are the new light and fluffy. Bleak misfortune is back in vogue, and I for one could not be more... READ MORE»
“In fashion, you’re either in or you’re out.” So says Teutonic temptress Heidi Klum at the beginning of every episode of Project Runway, currently unspooling its seventh season on... READ MORE»
Attending an Alexander McQueen fashion show was like taking a stroll through a fashion Fallujah. There was always this magnificent sense of impending catastrophe. Would the gals get electrocuted as they sloshed through all that water? How will the models, in their Blade Runner–inspired, condom-tight dresses, navigate those treacherous glass... READ MORE»
I love a good armory, and given the fact that gays are not allowed in the military, I am continually surprised at how much time I spend flaunting myself at various armories. Which armories? Any armories. Ironic, isn’t it? We poofters are not deemed combat-worthy, but we are, for some reason, considered to be... READ MORE»
I have never really understood why name-dropping is so frowned upon. If you happen to make a connection with a famous person, no matter how glancing it may be, why keep it to yourself? Why hide your Brangelina under a bushel? It seems downright selfish. Sharing the experience, enthusiastically and vivaciously, is the neighborly thing to do. Being all coy about it—“Yes, Snooki from Jersey Shore is now a personal friend, but I just... READ MORE»
There is a warehouse 20 minutes from the White House. It houses all the holiday decorations from presidential administrations past. To poke through this twinkly archive is to examine U.S. history. Here lie giant spools of Nancy Reagan’s favorite red ribbon, as lush and thick as the shoulder pads on an Adolfo socialite suit. What’s on that crate? Oh look, it’s Pat Nixon’s beautiful balls, beaded and stitched with Faberge-esque anal-retention. Not everything in... READ MORE»
The past 10 years have been filled with jolts and jiggles and shocks and horrors, and I’m not just talking about the time I caught my Goyard man-purse in the closing doors of the M2 Limited bus. Some really heavy shazzit went down since the turn of the century. You know what I’m talking... READ MORE»
This is typically the time of year when I, Mr. Retail, embark upon the laborious task of writing a holiday gift guide for you, the ordinary woman in the street. Not this year. After a casual poll of friends and colleagues, I recently ascertained some important information: People HATE gift guides, universally. I was, in point of fact, unable to find one single person who liked them, is prompted to shop by them, looked... READ MORE»
What a week! Or, should I say, “Wart a week!” Yes, a horrid wart! In full view of my public? Can you believe? That’s what I get for trying to avoid the H1N1 virus. What the hell am I talking about? I’ll explain all about Mr. Wart in just a moment. First, let’s talk about something more uplifting and... READ MORE»
PALM BEACH—The first thing I do whenever I arrive in Florida is carry our Norwich terrier Liberace into the ocean and wash away any dingle berries from his most private arena. I have become quite skilled at routing them. No dingle berry can escape my detection. Just call me “the dingle-berry... READ MORE»
Would you be grossed out if you caught, say, Emma Watson making goo-goo eyes at, for example, Harry Dean Stanton? The concept of young ingénues dating older gentlemen is nothing new. Many a gal has turned a blind eye to sagging flesh and wrinkly bits in order to vouchsafe her financial security. We can all handle it as long as there is an ulterior motive. When there isn’t, we tend to get... READ MORE»
"Wear green, and you will be wearing black... READ MORE»
Yoga makes you fat. With its dotted line to the marijuana munchies, the yoga lifestyle is a one-way ticket to the Salon Z plus-size boutique at Saks. O.K., so I’m exaggerating a bit. Not every yoga devotee is a raging pothead. But here’s the truth: If you want to be part of the new super-skinny, toothpick elite, you are not going to get there via downward dog alone. You gotta spin to... READ MORE»
Andy Warhol said: “I like to be the right thing in the wrong place and the wrong thing in the right place. Being the right thing in the wrong place and the wrong thing in the right place is worth it because something interesting always... READ MORE»
Got laid off? Thinking of fleeing to another city before you devour whatever is left in your piggy bank? How about sexy Scottsdale? Wipe that disdainful expression off your face! If it’s good enough for Jenna Jameson, Hugh Downs, Barbara Eden, Leslie Nielsen, Ricky Schroder, former Vice President Dan Quayle and Alice Cooper, it’s certainly good enough for you. I’m talking about Scottsdale, Ariz., my new home away from home, and a place that... READ MORE»
