http://www.observer.com/author/simon-doonan en http://www.observer.com/2009/culture/holiday-rift-guide <img src="/files/article/doonansilvio-sarkozy---gett.jpg" /><p>This is typically the time of year when I, Mr. Retail, embark upon the laborious task of writing a holiday gift guide for you, the ordinary woman in the street. Not this year. After a casual poll of friends and colleagues, I recently ascertained some important information: People HATE gift guides, universally. I was, in point of fact, unable to find one single person who liked them, is prompted to shop by them, looked...</p> Culture Style Adam Lambert Silvio Berlusconi Tue, 01 Dec 2009 12:52:59 -0500 http://www.observer.com/2009/culture/holiday-rift-guide http://www.observer.com/2009/culture/saturday-night-hives-how-wart-ruined-my-windows <img src="/files/article/window2.jpg" /><p>What a week! Or, should I say, “Wart a week!”</p> <p class="TEXT">Yes, a horrid wart! In full view of my public? Can you believe? That’s what I get for trying to avoid the H1N1 virus. What the hell am I talking about? I’ll explain all about Mr. Wart in just a moment. First, let’s talk about something more uplifting and festive:</p> <p class="TEXT">The Barneys holiday windows! This year I have created, along with my elves,...</p> Culture Style Barneys New York Saturday Night Live Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:54:47 -0500 http://www.observer.com/2009/culture/saturday-night-hives-how-wart-ruined-my-windows http://www.observer.com/2009/culture/fall-without-falling-try-sneaks-formal-wear <img src="/files/article/gucci_shoes1.jpg" /><p>PALM BEACH—The first thing I do whenever I arrive in Florida is carry our Norwich terrier Liberace into the ocean and wash away any dingle berries from his most private arena. I have become quite skilled at routing them. No dingle berry can escape my detection. Just call me “the dingle-berry whisperer.”</p> <p class="TEXT">Canine hygiene aside, I am in desperate need of this long weekend sun break. I am, as the Brits say, “totally knackered,”...</p> Culture Daphne Guinness Simon Says Tue, 03 Nov 2009 15:15:07 -0500 http://www.observer.com/2009/culture/fall-without-falling-try-sneaks-formal-wear http://www.observer.com/2009/style/geezer-love-grosses-me-out <img src="/files/article/peggy_duck.jpg" /><p>Would you be grossed out if you caught, say, Emma Watson making goo-goo eyes at, for example, Harry Dean Stanton?</p> <p class="TEXT">The concept of young ingénues dating older gentlemen is nothing new. Many a gal has turned a blind eye to sagging flesh and wrinkly bits in order to vouchsafe her financial security. We can all handle it as long as there is an ulterior motive. When there isn’t, we tend to get twitchy.</p> Culture Style Mad Men Madonna (Entertainer) Simon Says Tue, 20 Oct 2009 09:36:59 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2009/style/geezer-love-grosses-me-out http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/black-back%E2%80%94-it-makes-us-go-ack <img src="/files/article/holly.jpg" /><p>"Wear green, and you will be wearing black soon!”</p> <p class="TEXT">I vividly recall a neighborhood laundress named Mrs. Murnain hurling this warning at my mother, Betty, back in the 1950s. Every time this good-hearted–but–toothless lady clocked my mum wearing a certain olive green sweater-set, out would pop this sinister adage. The implications were clear: If you wear green, the unluckiest color in the rainbow, then you will somehow cause the death of your Aunt Mavis,...</p> Style Fashion Simon Says Tue, 06 Oct 2009 16:33:00 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/black-back%E2%80%94-it-makes-us-go-ack http://www.observer.com/2009/style/no-spinning-zone <img src="/files/article/miss-gulch.jpg" /><p>Yoga makes you fat.</p> <p class="TEXT">With its dotted line to the marijuana munchies, the yoga lifestyle is a one-way ticket to the Salon Z plus-size boutique at Saks.</p> <p class="TEXT">O.K., so I’m exaggerating a bit. Not every yoga devotee is a raging pothead. But here’s the truth: If you want to be part of the new super-skinny, toothpick elite, you are not going to get there via downward dog alone.</p> <p class="TEXT">You gotta spin to...</p> Style Fashion Simon Says Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:41:06 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2009/style/no-spinning-zone http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/shop-till-you-drop <img src="/files/article/anna-wintour---getty_0.jpg" /><p>Andy Warhol said: “I like to be the right thing in the wrong place and the wrong thing in the right place. Being the right thing in the wrong place and the wrong thing in the right place is worth it because something interesting always happens.”</p> <p class="TEXT">When Anna Wintour arrives at the Queens Center Shopping Mall this coming Thursday night for the kick-off of Fashion’s Night Out, will she be the right thing in...</p> Style Anna Wintour Fashion Fashion Week Fashion Week Spring 2010 Fashion’s Night Out Simon Says Tue, 08 Sep 2009 19:57:28 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/shop-till-you-drop http://www.observer.com/2009/style/beam-me-scottsdale <img src="/files/article/barbara-eden-1---getty.jpg" /><p>Got laid off? Thinking of fleeing to another city before you devour whatever is left in your piggy bank? How about sexy Scottsdale?</p> <p class="TEXT">Wipe that disdainful expression off your face! If it’s good enough for Jenna Jameson, Hugh Downs, Barbara Eden, Leslie Nielsen, Ricky Schroder, former Vice President Dan Quayle and Alice Cooper, it’s certainly good enough for you. I’m talking about Scottsdale, Ariz., my new home away from home, and a place...</p> http://www.observer.com/2009/style/beam-me-scottsdale#comments Style Alice Cooper Barbara Eden Barneys New York Dan Quayle Fashion Hugh Downs Jenna Jameson Leslie Nielsen Ricky Schroder Scottsdale Simon Says Tue, 18 Aug 2009 16:25:04 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2009/style/beam-me-scottsdale http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/hardy-har-har-har-realitys-go-gaudy-couturier <img src="/files/article/simon.jpg" /><p>Last week, a crazy lady with a horrid wig and no teeth chased me down 14th Street shouting, “Hey baby! Check me out! I’ve got good taste! REAL good taste!”</p> <p class="text">Her outburst was provoked by my new lightweight glen plaid summer jacket, a couture piece designed by the house of Moschino. The entire back is boldly emblazoned with the phrase “Good Taste Doesn’t Exist.” You can read it half a block away, even if...</p> http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/hardy-har-har-har-realitys-go-gaudy-couturier#comments Style Christian Audigier Ed Hardy Fashion Simon Says Tue, 04 Aug 2009 22:17:02 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/hardy-har-har-har-realitys-go-gaudy-couturier http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/new-transgressiveness <img src="/files/article/doonan_12.jpg" /><p>Let’s play “connect the dots.” My turn.</p> <p class="text">Question: What do the explosive popularity of the movie <em>Brüno</em> and the tidal wave of emotion and grief that followed the death of Michael Jackson have in common? Give up?&#160;</p> <p class="text">Answer: They both provide glaring proof that the general public now has a limitless unconditional tolerance for extremely strange and transgressive behavior. No matter how hard you try—surgically morphing into Peter Pan while residing...</p> http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/new-transgressiveness#comments Style Fashion Tue, 21 Jul 2009 18:43:50 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/new-transgressiveness http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/my-summer-horribilus <img src="/files/article/capri3.jpg" /><p>By the time you read this, I will be far, far away.</p> <p class="text">For verification, feel free to Google Earth me. Do it right now. <em>Buon giorno!</em> Yes, that’s me in the gaudy, age-inappropriate Etro swim shorts and oversize Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses. There I am, splashing around in the Med in front of a little eaterie named Da Giorgio on the island of Capri. <em>Ciao</em>, suckers!</p> <p class="text">Don’t be jealous. Be glad....</p> http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/my-summer-horribilus#comments Style Fashion Simon Says Wed, 08 Jul 2009 11:37:06 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/my-summer-horribilus http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/cause-distresses <img src="/files/article/tshirts.jpg" /><p>What’s wrong with getting tarted up in a brand new shimmy frock, jacking yourself up on some black patent wedges and having bit of good old-fashioned superficial fun?</p> <p class="text">Everything, apparently. Fashion is currently going through a John the Baptist hair-shirt kind of period. Self-indulgence has been replaced by self-flagellation. All I can say is, “Stop it, girls! Stop it before it’s too late.”</p> <p class="text">Last week I hosted a party for designer Stefano Pilati....</p> http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/cause-distresses#comments Style Fashion Simon Says Tue, 16 Jun 2009 20:42:21 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/cause-distresses http://www.observer.com/2009/style/beware-lavender-avenger-orture-tactics-gay-marriage-opponents <img src="/files/article/c_doonanKennethStarr2.jpg" /><p>Everyone is trying to figure out why Kim Jong Il is in such a tizzy. What could possibly have annoyed the North Korean leader to the point where he started exploding atom bombs on every street corner?</p> <p class="text">The answer is screechingly obvious to anyone with half a brain: Kimmy wigged out and pushed the button because he found out that his picture was posted on menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com, a Web site to which I am proud...</p> http://www.observer.com/2009/style/beware-lavender-avenger-orture-tactics-gay-marriage-opponents#comments Style Fashion Gay Marriage Kenneth Starr Kim Jong-il Simon Says Tue, 02 Jun 2009 16:04:14 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2009/style/beware-lavender-avenger-orture-tactics-gay-marriage-opponents http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/ab-fag-my-memoir-gets-slapped-flat-screen <img src="/files/article/c_doonanBeautifulPeople-2.jpg" /><p>Who <em>said</em> I would never amount to anything?</p> <p class="text">Lots of people, actually, back in the day. But where are they now, those naughty horrid naysayers who mocked me and told me to hide my light under a bushel and go get a job at the local biscuit factory? I bet you none of them have a cute husband like mine, not to mention an extensive collection of Murano glass clowns. Even if they have...</p> http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/ab-fag-my-memoir-gets-slapped-flat-screen#comments Culture Style BBC 2 Beautiful People Fashion Logo Movies Simon Says Tue, 19 May 2009 19:00:00 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/ab-fag-my-memoir-gets-slapped-flat-screen http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/highbrow-unibrow-susan-boyle%E2%80%99s-secret-avant-garde-chic <img src="/files/article/l_doonanSusan-Boyle_2V.jpg" /><p>How come nobody has clocked it? Why the telling silence? Given the relentless dissection of the Susan Boyle phenomenon, you would think some hack or other might have gone beyond ragging on her eyebrows and identified the glaringly obvious truth. But no, yet again, it’s left to yours truly to sort things out for everyone and point his little pocket flashlight at the elephant in the room. So here goes:</p> <p class="text">Susan Boyle is the...</p> http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/highbrow-unibrow-susan-boyle%E2%80%99s-secret-avant-garde-chic#comments Style Fashion Frida Kahlo Simon Says Susan Boyle Tue, 05 May 2009 14:05:42 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/highbrow-unibrow-susan-boyle%E2%80%99s-secret-avant-garde-chic http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/pinch-my-assets-gayfolk-transcend-global-economic-scandal <img src="/files/article/c_doonanAdam-Lambert_1V.jpg" /><p>They clutched their pearls with murderous claws. They grimaced—as much as Botox would allow—behind their menus. When Robert Jaffe, Bernie Madoff’s super-suave sidekick, walked into the fancy-pants Chez Jean-Pierre restaurant in Palm Beach last week and hoisted himself onto a bar stool, a frission of indignation crackled through the room. All the white-haired titans of industry dug their un-calloused fingers into their bread rolls. All the ladies swallowed deep, thereby jiggling their remaining diamonds....</p> http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/pinch-my-assets-gayfolk-transcend-global-economic-scandal#comments Style Adam Lambert Bernard Madoff Fashion Robert Jaffe Tue, 21 Apr 2009 12:16:53 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/pinch-my-assets-gayfolk-transcend-global-economic-scandal http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/watanabe-wear-mrs-obama-goes-avant-garde <img src="/files/article/c_doonan.png" /><p>Dear Mrs. Windsor and Ms. Obama:</p> <p class="text">Girls! I beg you—please stop cuddling! I mean, where is your sense of formality? Get a room already! If I were craving intergenerational girl-on-girl intimacy, then I would have tuned in to an <em>L-Word</em> rerun.</p> <p class="text">Hyperbole aside, I really don’t want to see any heads of state, male or female, getting warm and fuzzy with each other. When it comes to international relations, I want stuffy protocol...</p> http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/watanabe-wear-mrs-obama-goes-avant-garde#comments Style Fashion Michelle Obama Simon Says Tue, 07 Apr 2009 08:55:00 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/watanabe-wear-mrs-obama-goes-avant-garde http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/why-can%E2%80%99t-all-celebrities-be-natasha-richardson <img src="/files/article/c_doonan_0.jpg" /><p>In 1999, Natasha Richardson and I were tossed together in a hurricane of frocks, one or two of which smelled distinctly of mothballs.</p> <p class="text">“Unforgettable—Fashion of the Oscars” was a complex serial benefit for the American Foundation for Aids Research (amfAR), instigated and propelled by Natasha. <em>Vogue</em>, Christie’s and Barneys were the sponsors. While Anna Wintour steered the ship, La Richardson did all the dirty work.</p> <p class="text">Using her charm and signature smoky voice, the...</p> http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/why-can%E2%80%99t-all-celebrities-be-natasha-richardson#comments Style Fashion Natasha Richardson Simon Says Tue, 24 Mar 2009 06:00:00 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/why-can%E2%80%99t-all-celebrities-be-natasha-richardson http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/where-have-you-gone-tyson-beckford-new-male-model-pale-frail <img src="/files/article/l_doonanModel.jpg" /><p>Madonna is having her <em>Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone</em> moment, and I for one am giving her a ferocious thumbs up. Naysayers be damned! So what if she’s old enough to be her Brazilian boy toy’s grandmother? Cougar Madge is rewriting the rules yet again, and more power to her. Her mojo, unlike that of everything else in the world, is clearly going full throttle. Can’t we just be happy for all concerned?&#160;</p> ... http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/where-have-you-gone-tyson-beckford-new-male-model-pale-frail#comments Style Fashion Madonna Simon Says Tyson Beckford Tue, 03 Mar 2009 14:25:52 -0500 http://www.observer.com/2009/fashion/where-have-you-gone-tyson-beckford-new-male-model-pale-frail http://www.observer.com/2009/o2/blond-and-short-it-rachel-zoe-poaches-my-fashion-week-klieg-lights <img src="/files/article/doonan_11.jpg" />"Excuse me! Excuse <em>me!</em>” Shove! <em>Shove!</em> <p class="text">The tall PR chick with the headset and the plangent voice was clearly intent on publicly buggering me with her clipboard if I did not get the hell out of her way and allow her to escort some celeb or other to its front-row seat.</p> <p class="text">The rib-mangling crush outside the Rag &amp; Bone fall 2009 fashion show, held at the Cedar Lake Theater...</p> http://www.observer.com/2009/o2/blond-and-short-it-rachel-zoe-poaches-my-fashion-week-klieg-lights#comments Style Barbie Dolls Fashion Fashion Week Rachel Zoe Simon Says Mon, 16 Feb 2009 17:32:23 -0500 http://www.observer.com/2009/o2/blond-and-short-it-rachel-zoe-poaches-my-fashion-week-klieg-lights http://www.observer.com/2009/o2/bah-love-bug-0 <img src="/files/article/doonanRuben-and-Isabel-Tole.jpg" />A pal of mine and her fiancé recently went to shop for engagement rings at a prominent Fifth Avenue jeweler. After thoughtfully examining her hand, the sales associate told her there was a problem with her fingers. Apparently, she has what is know as “pudgy undercarriages,” and would require a larger-than-average fitting. My pal, who is tall and athletic and had never thought twice about the relative size of those squishy pads on the... http://www.observer.com/2009/o2/bah-love-bug-0#comments Style Isabel Toledo Jonathan Adler Ruben Toledo Simon Says The Observatory Valentine's Day Tue, 03 Feb 2009 15:21:39 -0500 http://www.observer.com/2009/o2/bah-love-bug-0 http://www.observer.com/2009/o2/easy-rezzies-and-four-other-reasons-love-recession <img src="/files/article/doonan_the-birds.jpg" />This is a bowel-curdling and volatile moment in history. Everything has gone all horrid and nasty. Between Tippi Hedren–esque aviation disasters, the Iranian nuclear threat and the ultimate horror of people not buying as many handbags and Louboutin shoes as I would like them to, I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a precipice, in dire need of a fresh pair of Depends. <p class="text c1">There’s only one way to...</p> http://www.observer.com/2009/o2/easy-rezzies-and-four-other-reasons-love-recession#comments Style Simon Says Tue, 20 Jan 2009 11:05:36 -0500 http://www.observer.com/2009/o2/easy-rezzies-and-four-other-reasons-love-recession http://www.observer.com/2009/o2/palm-beach-ponzi-pique-why-did-madoff-bilk-own-mishpocheh <img src="/files/article/doonan_10.jpg" />To say that Bernie Madoff has performed a rectal electrocution on Palm Beach would not be an exaggeration. <p class="text c1">My Jonny and I have always relied heavily on the serenity and sensory deprivation of our annual Palm Beach winter vacation to help us repair our post-holiday jangled nerves. This foofy enclave of nothing-much-to-do is the perfect place for two exhausted retail hags. But now Uncle Bernie has succeeded in transforming...</p> http://www.observer.com/2009/o2/palm-beach-ponzi-pique-why-did-madoff-bilk-own-mishpocheh#comments Style Bernard Madoff Michael Caine Simon Says Tue, 06 Jan 2009 11:53:50 -0500 http://www.observer.com/2009/o2/palm-beach-ponzi-pique-why-did-madoff-bilk-own-mishpocheh http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/what-really-killed-office-party-not-economy-sober-prigs-me <img src="/files/article/doonan_9.jpg" />Would you let Gary Busey or Jeff Conaway surgically remove your large intestine? No, of course you wouldn’t. But before we expand upon that particular theme, I have an important Yuletide observation to make: <p class="text"><em>Quelle surprise!</em> Who’d a thunk it? Despite all kinds of grim Dickensian predictions, this is turning out to be a shockingly joyful holiday season. Why, given the gnarliness of the economy, is everyone smiling and giggling and skipping...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/what-really-killed-office-party-not-economy-sober-prigs-me#comments Style Celebrity Rehab Dr. Drew Gary Busey O2 Daily Simon Says Mon, 15 Dec 2008 18:21:39 -0500 http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/what-really-killed-office-party-not-economy-sober-prigs-me http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/suddenly-substantive-does-obama-era-mean-no-more-blahniks <img src="/files/article/doonan_8.jpg" />Wake up, girls! This is the dawning of a new era. It’s time to get serious. The age of Obama has no place for superficial broads who spend all day ironing their hair, blowing their credit on status handbags and coveting bunion-mangling shoes. <p class="text c1">In the super-earnest, cash-strapped America of today, you can no longer define yourself by a flashy purse or the number of Louboutin porno pumps in your...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/suddenly-substantive-does-obama-era-mean-no-more-blahniks#comments Style Annie Hall Barack Obama Fashion Louboutin Manolo Blahnik museums Netflix pretty woman Rosemary’s Baby Saturday Night Fever shopping Simon Says Taxi Driver The Hills Tue, 02 Dec 2008 11:41:28 -0500 http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/suddenly-substantive-does-obama-era-mean-no-more-blahniks http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/radical-cheeky-prop-8-mishegoss-makin-me-militant <img src="/files/article/doonan_6.jpg" />Turn on. Tune in. Drop … off your dry cleaning and head to a demonstration! <p class="text c1">No, seriously, I am having such a totally tumultuous ’60s moment! My life has gone from light and fluffy to totally heavy, man. Everything’s coming up protests and peace signs. It’s a freaky scene. When I’m not on some crazy demo, I’m slapping counterculture slogans on Barneys’ windows and cramming them with Woodstock-abilia. Don’t...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/radical-cheeky-prop-8-mishegoss-makin-me-militant#comments Style Barneys New York Proposition 8 Simon Says The Observatory Tom Brokaw Tue, 18 Nov 2008 15:04:17 -0500 http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/radical-cheeky-prop-8-mishegoss-makin-me-militant http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/long-and-winding-lagerfeld-designers-apply-death-grip-podium <img src="/files/article/doonan_7.jpg" />Karl Lagerfeld and Christian Louboutin! <em>J’accuse!</em> <p class="text">And you, too, Philippe Starck! You are gorgeous, super-talented Euro geniuses. <em>J’adore</em> you all, but you have been <em>très, très</em> naughty and you need to be spanked. Heads up: You will each be receiving an invoice from me for the time I spent listening to your long and winding words. I refer to the imprisoning and protracted acceptance speeches y’all recently delivered at the star-studded endurance...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/long-and-winding-lagerfeld-designers-apply-death-grip-podium#comments Style Christian Louboutin Donatella Versace Fashion Karl Lagerfeld O2 Daily Simon Says Mon, 03 Nov 2008 17:41:04 -0500 http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/long-and-winding-lagerfeld-designers-apply-death-grip-podium http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/get-thee-creative-director-and-i-don-t-mean-joe-zee <img src="/files/article/doonan_5.jpg" />What’s the new accessory du jour? What’s the must-have frippery of the moment? Brace yourselves! The new It bag is not a handbag at all. <p class="text c1">It’s a person. The latest trendy consumer trophy is … drumroll … a CREATIVE DIRECTOR.</p> <p class="text c1">Not content with employing personal stylists, trainers, publicists, party planners and shamans, the spoiled socialites and <em>grandes horizontales</em> of the world have now added...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/get-thee-creative-director-and-i-don-t-mean-joe-zee#comments Style Fashion Simon Says The Real Housewives of Atlanta Tue, 21 Oct 2008 12:03:47 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/get-thee-creative-director-and-i-don-t-mean-joe-zee http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/get-thee-creative-director-and-i-don-t-mean-joe-zee <img src="/files/article/doonan_5.jpg" />What’s the new accessory du jour? What’s the must-have frippery of the moment? Brace yourselves! The new It bag is not a handbag at all. <p class="text c1">It’s a person. The latest trendy consumer trophy is … drumroll … a CREATIVE DIRECTOR.</p> <p class="text c1">Not content with employing personal stylists, trainers, publicists, party planners and shamans, the spoiled socialites and <em>grandes horizontales</em> of the world have now added...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/get-thee-creative-director-and-i-don-t-mean-joe-zee#comments Style Fashion Simon Says The Real Housewives of Atlanta Tue, 21 Oct 2008 12:03:47 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/get-thee-creative-director-and-i-don-t-mean-joe-zee http://www.observer.com/2008/style/hockey-moms-you-need-makeover <img src="/files/article/doonan_4.jpg" />Along with every other person in New York, I have been afflicted with a persistent and depressing cold. How depressing? Oh, about as depressing as a hockey mom’s oversize, dropped-waist denim dress. <p class="text">Gosh <em>darn</em>, I badly needed cheering up! On Thursday night I popped a zinc lozenge and tuned in to watch the vice presidential debate. I was hoping for a few unintentional chuckles. None were forthcoming. By the end of the...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/style/hockey-moms-you-need-makeover#comments Style Sarah Palin Simon Says Tue, 07 Oct 2008 12:00:43 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/style/hockey-moms-you-need-makeover http://www.observer.com/2008/style/hockey-moms-you-need-makeover <img src="/files/article/doonan_4.jpg" />Along with every other person in New York, I have been afflicted with a persistent and depressing cold. How depressing? Oh, about as depressing as a hockey mom’s oversize, dropped-waist denim dress. <p class="text">Gosh <em>darn</em>, I badly needed cheering up! On Thursday night I popped a zinc lozenge and tuned in to watch the vice presidential debate. I was hoping for a few unintentional chuckles. None were forthcoming. By the end of the...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/style/hockey-moms-you-need-makeover#comments Style Sarah Palin Simon Says Tue, 07 Oct 2008 12:00:43 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/style/hockey-moms-you-need-makeover http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/reader-i-married-him <img src="/files/article/2008-09-18_doonan.jpg" />“I want to wrap him in a napkin and stomp on him.” <p class="text c1">These words were spoken by Jonathan Adler to the startled officiant at our big fat gay Jewish wedding. Yes, on Thursday, Sept. 18, as reported in <em>The New York Times</em> the following Sunday, Mr. Adler and I tied the knot in San Francisco. It wasn’t really big and wasn’t what you would call fat, but it was...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/reader-i-married-him#comments Style Jonathan Adler Simon Doonan Simon Says Tue, 23 Sep 2008 11:55:30 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/reader-i-married-him http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/reader-i-married-him <img src="/files/article/2008-09-18_doonan.jpg" />“I want to wrap him in a napkin and stomp on him.” <p class="text c1">These words were spoken by Jonathan Adler to the startled officiant at our big fat gay Jewish wedding. Yes, on Thursday, Sept. 18, as reported in <em>The New York Times</em> the following Sunday, Mr. Adler and I tied the knot in San Francisco. It wasn’t really big and wasn’t what you would call fat, but it was...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/reader-i-married-him#comments Style Jonathan Adler Simon Doonan Simon Says Tue, 23 Sep 2008 11:55:30 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/reader-i-married-him http://www.observer.com/2008/style/rrrowl-my-couture-romp-ruined-caribou-frau <img src="/files/article/doonan_3.jpg" />On Thursday, Sept. 4, before hitting the Bryant Park shows, I made a beeline for my neighborhood optician to check up on business. I had expected to see hordes of women snapping up those smart-lady Tina Fey glasses, the very same ones that had endowed Sarah Palin, the Republican candidate for vice president of the United States, with such an air of faux gravitas the night before. Thirty-seven million people of varying political persuasions... http://www.observer.com/2008/style/rrrowl-my-couture-romp-ruined-caribou-frau#comments Style Fashion Week 2008 Sarah Palin Simon Says Tue, 09 Sep 2008 20:10:12 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/style/rrrowl-my-couture-romp-ruined-caribou-frau http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/who-killed-isaac-hayes-dear-reader-it-was-moi <img src="/files/article/doonan_2.jpg" />Do you ever get this weird feeling that you contributed in some way to the death of a particular celebrity? For example: There I was, mincing around the Four Seasons in L.A. last April, when I ran smack dab into Bernie Mac, and now he’s dead. <p class="text c1">The fabulous and talented Mr. Mac was wearing a groovy beige slubbed-silk leisure ensemble, accessorized with a black bowler hat and a nifty...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/who-killed-isaac-hayes-dear-reader-it-was-moi#comments Style Bernie Mac Isaac Hayes Simon Says Tue, 26 Aug 2008 11:14:53 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/who-killed-isaac-hayes-dear-reader-it-was-moi http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/who-killed-isaac-hayes-dear-reader-it-was-moi <img src="/files/article/doonan_2.jpg" />Do you ever get this weird feeling that you contributed in some way to the death of a particular celebrity? For example: There I was, mincing around the Four Seasons in L.A. last April, when I ran smack dab into Bernie Mac, and now he’s dead. <p class="text c1">The fabulous and talented Mr. Mac was wearing a groovy beige slubbed-silk leisure ensemble, accessorized with a black bowler hat and a nifty...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/who-killed-isaac-hayes-dear-reader-it-was-moi#comments Style Bernie Mac Isaac Hayes Simon Says Tue, 26 Aug 2008 11:14:53 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/who-killed-isaac-hayes-dear-reader-it-was-moi http://www.observer.com/simonsays ... http://www.observer.com/simonsays#comments Style Simon Doonan Thu, 21 Aug 2008 10:31:41 -0400 http://www.observer.com/simonsays http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/your-golden-years-dear-madge-will-your-shoes-match-your-bag <img src="/files/article/doonan_1.jpg" />I’m a changed person. Up until today, I was always up for a good colostomy bag joke. You know what I’m talking about: Is your colostomy bag full, or are you just happy to see me? Ba-da-<em>bum</em>! Or the old shoes-to-match standby, as in “My auntie’s got a colostomy bag … and shoes to match.” Ba-da-<em>bum</em>! <p class="text">So great was my vulgar enthusiasm for this unfortunate accessory that I once—way back in...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/your-golden-years-dear-madge-will-your-shoes-match-your-bag#comments Style Madonna Simon Says Tue, 12 Aug 2008 11:31:45 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/your-golden-years-dear-madge-will-your-shoes-match-your-bag http://www.observer.com/2008/style/you-try-cruising-velvet-mafia-toe-fungus <img src="/files/article/doonan_0.jpg" />Tom Ford and Valentino saw my toenail fungus. I am suffering from foot shame. <p class="text">Let’s dial back. All of us think we have gorgeous feet, especially when we are young. I always thought mine were kind of fabulous: sturdy little Celtic hooves, perfectly in proportion with my gnomelike physique. My high insteps recall, at least to my eyes, the famous Avedon pics of Rudolf Nureyev’s appendages.</p> <p class="text">Suddenly last...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/style/you-try-cruising-velvet-mafia-toe-fungus#comments Style PedEgg Simon Says Tom Ford Valentino Mon, 28 Jul 2008 19:19:44 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/style/you-try-cruising-velvet-mafia-toe-fungus http://www.observer.com/2008/style/teen-chic-tired-women-are-back <img src="/files/article/l_doonan.jpg" /><p>Women’s bodies are revolting! I don’t mean that the way it sounds. The girls of the world have simply had enough. They are mad as hell and they are not going to take it anymore. Anarchy and change are in the air.</p> <p>But what exactly is going on? Is the super-skinny trend coming to an end? Are real women—remember back when being naturally curvaceous was good thing?—about to make a giant comeback? Are Michelle...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/style/teen-chic-tired-women-are-back#comments Style Carla Bruni Michelle Obama Simon Says The Real Houswives of Orange County Tue, 15 Jul 2008 08:02:38 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/style/teen-chic-tired-women-are-back http://www.observer.com/2008/ashes-bashes-when-your-loved-one-passes-its-time-fling <img src="/files/article/simonsays.jpg" />Break out the vegan, fair-trade, lesbian, sustainable tofu dogs, because on Friday, June 20, yours truly officially became a US citizen. <p>I am doing my best to whip myself into a patriotic frenzy in time for the Fourth of July, but I must admit it’s taking a great deal of effort. I guess I am a trifle worn down from the stops and starts of my application process, made more complex by my wicked past....</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/ashes-bashes-when-your-loved-one-passes-its-time-fling#comments Style Simon Says Tue, 24 Jun 2008 09:46:22 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/ashes-bashes-when-your-loved-one-passes-its-time-fling http://www.observer.com/2008/tempest-turban-how-tiny-moi-vexed-andr-great <img src="/files/article/doonan.jpg" />I felt like such a turd on the night of Monday, June 2. “Turd’” is a very underused word. At some point soon I will dedicate my life to restoring it to popular usage. In the meantime permit me to elaborate on the circumstances that occasioned this unpleasant feeling. <p class="text c1">There I was at the Council of Fashion Designers of America Awards at the New York Public Library thinking...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/tempest-turban-how-tiny-moi-vexed-andr-great#comments Style CFDA Council of Fashion Designers of America Leon Talley Naomi Campbell Simon Says Tue, 10 Jun 2008 12:28:24 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/tempest-turban-how-tiny-moi-vexed-andr-great http://www.observer.com/2008/class-88-you-look-great <img src="/files/article/doonan2.jpg" />Figuring out what to wear to your college reunion is tough at the best of times. Figuring out what to wear when the college reunion in question is not actually your college reunion, but the reunion of your significantly younger significant other—with you, as a result, running the risk of being mistaken for a sinister aging relative—is infinitely more challenging. Add the fact that the college reunion is at Brown University, only slightly less... http://www.observer.com/2008/class-88-you-look-great#comments Style Simon Says Tue, 27 May 2008 12:24:16 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/class-88-you-look-great http://www.observer.com/2008/one-flew-over-couture-s-nest <img src="/files/article/amy-winehouse-2v.jpg" />Does one’s level of stylishness increase as one goes off one’s trolley? <p class="text">John Waters, film director and my own personal Erma Bombeck, has always philosophized that breaking the law can make people more beautiful. The more crimes a person commits, so goes the Waters hypothesis, the more beautiful that person becomes. I’m starting to wonder if there might not be a similar relationship between madness and fashion. Don’t recoil in horror:...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/one-flew-over-couture-s-nest#comments Style Amy Winehouse Simon Says Tue, 13 May 2008 13:05:39 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/one-flew-over-couture-s-nest http://www.observer.com/2008/barackie-o <img src="/files/article/cover_Obama-B-Stylin001.jpg" />Stop it! Stop asking me about Hillary’s pantsuits, or any other aspect of her personal style! If you persist, I swear to God I will stuff Mrs. Clinton into a Balenciaga bubble dress with matching gladiator spike-heeled boots, and then you’ll be sorry. <p class="text">Every 20 minutes I get a jangling call from an earnest hack looking for quips about the fashion choices of the presidential candidates. These content generators...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/barackie-o#comments Politics Style Barack Obama Bill Clinton Hillary Clinton John McCain Simon Says Tue, 29 Apr 2008 20:14:07 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/barackie-o http://www.observer.com/2008/simon-says-glam-i-am <img src="/files/article/Doonan---queen-now.jpg" /><p>Being a professional celebrity look-alike is not nearly as tawdry and pathetic as it sounds. (That would not be possible.) I know whereof I speak. Having imperson­ated Queen Elizabeth II on numerous occasions over the last 30 years—and been undercompensated to do so—I consider myself something of an expert on this subject.</p> <p class="text c1">As I look back at my slightly spotty but otherwise long and happy celeb look-alike career, I...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/simon-says-glam-i-am#comments Style Queen Elizabeth II Simon Says Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:12:40 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/simon-says-glam-i-am http://www.observer.com/2008/style/baroque-beauty-deception-little-white-lies-elaborately-embroidered <img src="/files/article/Doonan - HathawayV.jpg" /><p>Last week I wore a pair of six-inch Lanvin sling-back stilettos while hosting a fashion show in Dallas. They looked great with my new Band of Outsiders jacket. I told the assembled crowd of socialites that it was the only way I could see over the lectern, which was true-ish. It was all fairly transparent. Anyone could see that I invented this excuse in order to walk the runway wearing those insane shoes and...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/style/baroque-beauty-deception-little-white-lies-elaborately-embroidered#comments Style Anne Hathaway Dame Edna Everage Madonna (Entertainer) Simon Says Tue, 01 Apr 2008 12:12:41 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/style/baroque-beauty-deception-little-white-lies-elaborately-embroidered http://www.observer.com/2008/fabulosity-herself-nobody-doesn-t-kimora-lee <img src="/files/article/doonan_simmons_032408.jpg" />Juicy Plum, Orange Blossom, Tiger Lily! No, these are not the names of Eliot Spitzer’s favorite tarts. <em>Au contraire</em>, they are the top notes of Fabulosity, the new fragrance—arriving on shelves this week!—from Kimora Lee Simmons. <p class="text">Glamour-obsessed, entrepreneurial and hilarious, Kimora, the star of the Style Network reality show <em>Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane</em> and creative director queen of Baby Phat clothing, just might be the most insanely unpretentious person in fashion....</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/fabulosity-herself-nobody-doesn-t-kimora-lee#comments Style Kimora Lee Simmons Simon Says Socialites Tue, 18 Mar 2008 12:29:03 -0400 http://www.observer.com/2008/fabulosity-herself-nobody-doesn-t-kimora-lee http://www.observer.com/2008/la-swinton-sweeps-oscars-lanvin <img src="/files/article/Doonan-TildaOscars3V.jpg" />Best Supporting Actress winner Tilda Swinton nuked the fashion competition at the recent Oscars. With her 70’s Bowie hair—remember the cover of <em>Low</em>, the brilliant 1977 album?—and her black velvet Lanvin one-sleeved toga, La Swinton made all those other gals in their fussy bustier glamour gowns look like a bunch of Republican drears on their way to a constipated night out at the local country club. <p class="text">Finally, courtesy of La Swinton,...</p> http://www.observer.com/2008/la-swinton-sweeps-oscars-lanvin#comments Style Barneys New York Simon Says Tilda Swinton Tue, 04 Mar 2008 11:53:51 -0500 http://www.observer.com/2008/la-swinton-sweeps-oscars-lanvin http://www.observer.com/2008/will-oscars-2008-be-valentino-s-valedictory <img src="/files/article/021908_doonan_web.jpg" />Here’s my prediction for this coming Superfrock Sunday: Valentino! Valentino! Valentino! <p class="text">I’m betting that the retiring couturier will dominate the Oscar red carpet (red is, after all, Val’s signature color!) with creations from his archives and from his final couture and ready-to-wear collections. Sunday, Feb. 24, will be Val’s day. There, I’ve said it.</p> <p class="text">Now let’s talk about this so-called “retirement.”</p> <p class="text">Is it me, or...</p> Style Simon Says Valentino Tue, 19 Feb 2008 12:11:03 -0500 http://www.observer.com/2008/will-oscars-2008-be-valentino-s-valedictory