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GEORGE: This a new couch?

DR. SELMAN: So what brings you back?

GEORGE: Well, it’s been six months.

HILLY: Well—

GEORGE: I’m a little groggy, I have to admit, because I had to work last night. Went to this benefit at the Central Park Zoo. What animal did you like best?

HILLY: This huge porcupine and the little fox and an owl that was just gorgeous.

GEORGE: And Al Gore was there.

HILLY: Whatever.

DR. SELMAN: Personally, I’ll leave the petting of wild animals to other people, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

GEORGE: And then as usual, I started getting a little rambunctious, didn’t want to go home, so I put Hilly in a cab round midnight, and ended up in some apartment sitting around with kids half my age playing this game I invented. Got home at 7 a.m., I’m sorry to say.

DR. SELMAN: Why are you sorry to say?

GEORGE: I don’t really know if it was worth it.

HILLY [impatiently]: O.K., well there are a couple of things that have been going on recently—and I think for the most part, I’ve been very happy and I think you have, too—of course there are the ups and downs—but I’ve noticed this sort of return recently—since George turned 40. First of all, he wasn’t looking forward to turning 40, and he kept on saying over and over, ‘Don’t do anything, I don’t want any surprises.’ But something clicked in my mind, and I thought, Wait a second, I think everyone says that, but you have to do something. So I ended up organizing a surprise party—and I’m telling you there was a limit to the number of people, so I was really militant with the guests—I even told the editor in chief of a major publication, because he couldn’t commit—I was like, ‘I’m sorry, you may be standing out on the sidewalk because George is a popular guy.’ And he got scared of me, I’m telling you. Anyway, out of 60 people, 50 of them came. It was the most incredible thing. It was a little hippie lovefest for George.

DR. SELMAN: I actually read about it on Page Six.

GEORGE: I’ll never forget it. It was amazing how I was lured down there to the nightclub The whole time I was trying to get out of it, like ‘Nah, I really just wanna go home, I don’t want to drink tonight.’ Hilly and Jack were being real persistent and anyone in his right mind might have suspected something was up. I start up the stairs and see a friend of mine from high school and think, Oh, Henry just happens to be here. … And then I walked in and there were 50 people staring at me and moving in on me—it wasn’t no surprise party, it was fucking terrifying. It was like getting mugged or attacked by 50 people, but in a good way. I was so overwhelmed, my first instinct was to leave—bye, see ya! But after about four screwdrivers, I managed to smile.

DR. SELMAN: Well, what’s the problem here?

GEORGE: Let’s get all the good stuff out of the way. We also saw Van Halen, another big recent highlight.

HILLY: Wait. So the party was great. And the next day he was really happy, and I tried to show him my planning Excel sheet with all the names of the people in case—

GEORGE: So what does this have to do with our relationship?

HILLY: Well, one of the things I gave him for his birthday was a book of some of my favorite articles he’s written. I scanned all of them and put them into a computer format, and into a book form—

GEORGE: Uh-huh.

HILLY: So that they can be e-mailed, and they’re divided them into chapters—

GEORGE: Right.

HILLY: This is to make you seem more professional and organized, even though you’re an extremely charming person—that’s not the only reason all those people were there.

GEORGE: O.K.!

HILLY: It’s a combination of your talent and your intelligence and I don’t want you to lose the momentum of ego boost.

GEORGE: Lasted about a week. Why don’t we have a surprise party for me once a month?

HILLY: You need to make some money.

DR. SELMAN [to GEORGE]: Did you thank her, too?

HILLY: Oh, yeah!

GEORGE: I’ve always wanted to do that, have a monthly party and get all my socializing out of the way: If you want to see me, then be here.

HILLY: Well, another reason that I’m bringing this up is maybe you’ll be inspired to do something on your own. But that hasn’t happened.

DR. SELMAN: What do you mean?

HILLY: Taking the initiative to try to do something.

GEORGE: I can be pretty lazy.

DR. SELMAN: You thought that the effects of the party would somehow wear off on George.

HILLY: I think you could make an effort to maintain contact with some of those people, so they help keep your spirits up. When you’re sitting around feeling depressed about yourself, maybe it’s an extra sort of ego boost to give you the confidence to try to do something a little harder.

GEORGE [to DR. SELMAN]: I feel like a pig shat in my head.

DR. SELMAN: You feel how?

GEORGE: Like a pig shat in my head.

DR. SELMAN: Like a pig …?

GEORGE: Went to the bathroom in my head. Next Page >

The door to DR. SELMAN’s office was closed and Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” could be heard playing. At 7 p.m. DR. SELMAN waved them in; HILLY showed off her new engagement ring.

DR. SELMAN: Let me check it out in the light.

HILLY: O.K. Well, it’s too big, so I have a ribbon around it.

Dr. SELMAN: Wow, nice.

GEORGE: Yeah, it’s over a hundred years old and it was my great-great-great grandmother’s. Or maybe my great-great grandmother’s. But I’m certain that my father gave it to my mother.

DR. SELMAN: How did you go about presenting it?

GEORGE: Well, last time we were here, she gave me the ultimatum, right? So I got pretty serious and she reiterated that threat a few times, said she was going to move out. So I got to work, swiped one of her rings and took it to Verdura, where it was sized. So then what happened?

HILLY: It was on December 19, it was about 7:14 p.m. and it was the best day ever. I was at work and George called and asked if I wanted to meet him for dinner. I was a little suspicious, because he said he made actual reservations at this place that we’ve been to before, Zarela, this delicious Mexican restaurant. So I got there first and then he showed up and we started chitchatting, and then he kind of cut me off and said, “Oh, Hilly, I’ve got something for you.” I said, “Oh really? What’s that?” And he pulled out this box that said “Verdura” on it and I got really excited. He put it in front of me and I said, “Can I open it?!” I opened it and inside there was a beeswax candle, and I said, “Oh, that looks cool.” And he said, “There’s something else in there,” and I pulled out this little pink pig. It was a little plastic key ring with a button on the pig’s head and when you press it, its snout lights up.

GEORGE: Got it at Gracious Home.

HILLY: And then he said “There’s something else,” and, you know, the box wasn’t so big, so I said, “What’s in there?” And I looked and I pulled out a pair of toe warmers, like you get at the drugstore. And I thought, Well, maybe there’s something underneath, but there wasn’t anything underneath. And I thought, Well that’s still really sweet, because he knows that my feet get really cold. And then I looked at him and he said, “I’m really sorry, you have to be patient with me, I just can’t do it right now.” And I stopped and I looked at the pig, and I was thinking about what I said before, that even if it was plastic, the ring didn’t have to be real or anything, it was about the gesture. And I couldn’t help thinking that the little piggy key holder was round, and somehow I could have that transformed into some kind of ring. And that’s when he said, “Just kidding!” And he pulled out another Verdura box and I opened it up and there it was! And it was glorious to behold. And I put it on my finger and I was so happy! So happy. And then this woman came over and tried to sing, and I pointed the piggy at her and she went away. And that same day, I got a Christmas card from Eddie Van Halen.

GEORGE: I decided that day we’d go to Zarela because I knew they had waiters who come over and sing opera and stuff, so I set that up, and right before I left to meet Hilly, I checked my favorite Web sites and there were some really negative, mean comments on one of them—about me. And it really jolted me. Here I’m about to go give this ring to Hilly, big moment in my life, in her life, and I have to read that I’m a selfish, narcissistic loser: “I’ve always considered George Gurley to be a complete loser.” And someone else compared me to the guy in Out of Africa who gave Meryl Streep syphilis.

DR. SELMAN: This was based on the column?

GEORGE: I think so. Maybe some other things, too. So I had these commenter comments in my head and this was terrible timing. Here I am, an hour away from getting engaged, and I have these comments in my head. So I had to push these thoughts out of my head, and get into a better mood to propose to Hilly. I had to come up with something fast, so I thought about when I was that age—because I picture these commenters, they’re 25 years old, graduated from Wesleyan and now here they’re here in New York and no one’s paying attention to them, no one cares about their degree in comparative literature or herstory, and then they’ll read something like this column and something goes off in their brain—“Heyyyy, wait a second, I’m smarter than that guy! What about me? It’s my turn. Why do I have to work at this crappy job, and he doesn’t even have to go into an office? He goes out every night and sits around all day in his pajamas. …” So then I started thinking, that’s real power. I took it a little farther, and thought, I’m probably one of the most powerful people in New York. Don’t have to get up in the morning. Don’t have to go into an office. Can Mayor Bloomberg do that? No.

Silence.

GEORGE: Then I wanted to cut these kids some slack because I was like them sometimes at their age—seething with envy.

DR. SELMAN: Did you actually ask her to marry you?

GEORGE: I don’t think it even got to—I think she was so excited. One thing I like to clarify is that the prank Verdura gift box—I wasn’t trying to torment her. I had the other one, the real one, right on my lap, ready. Next Page >

DR. SELMAN: What’s happening?

GEORGE: I sat around in my pajamas all day, e-mailing high-school friends. I have this illusion that I’m actually working, because I am typing and concentrating, but we were just talking nonsense. Whether or not Star Wars is in fact a masterpiece, you know, Beatles versus Stones. The summer of ’87 comes up a lot. Girls. This girl a friend of mine slept with recently—he admitted that this girl’s “kid had a kid.” We refer to him as the Granny Humper. What else? Bongo drums. So I got into a fight with one of them.

DR. SELMAN: This is one of those guys who molested you during boarding school?

GEORGE: No, he was one of the “molestees.” We were talking about drums and analyzing this Motörhead video on YouTube and Bruce noted that the drumming was spectacular, and I said, “Come on, is there any real difference between drummers?” And Bruce, who’s really into the drumming, said some drummers are better than others and how he can keep a basic backbeat going forever, ooom chi boom, ooom chi boom—but he can’t play in a mambo band. So I said I was playing air guitar and air drums the night before—this is when things started to get ugly. Bruce responded with, “Were you clown dancing in your undies? Was Hilly there, the two of you pounding wine?”

[Exit HILLY]

GEORGE: So then my other friend Ian wrote “oooch,” which means that I just got dissed. I didn’t take it that way. So I wrote back, “Hey, not everything is a diss.” Then Bruce responded, and Ian again wrote “oooch,” you know, I got dissed again. Then it escalated. I said, “I know you’re giving me the ‘oooch’ and the ‘plink’ to get a rise out of me”—

DR. SELMAN: Can I ask why we’re talking about this?

GEORGE: This happened a couple hours ago. Affected my mood.

DR. SELMAN [to HILLY]: I presume that you had to go to the bathroom, but the timing, was that anything to do with what George was talking about?

HILLY: It was so boring to me.

DR. SELMAN: I was thinking the same thing.

HILLY: I am just so sick of no one being able to just get anything done. I’m so sick of hearing about these e-mail exchanges. If it’s so important, why don’t you cc me?

DR. SELMAN: Does this have any relevance to your relationship?

HILLY: I’m so sick of having to be the person who always takes action, everywhere, all the time. I don’t think I ask for too many things. One thing in the world that I wanted so badly was tickets to the Van Halen concert. I didn’t get them. O.K., guess what, it’s a sign from God, they’re extending the tour—so I said, “George, here’s a great chance. Come on, with your connections you can get tickets. You don’t have to get me anything for Christmas.” He doesn’t do it. I have to do it myself! Okay, you go away on trips, and it’s sweet, because you get me a present after I badger you to get me one. The last two times, you’ve gotten me presents I already have! The first time it was a T-shirt, the second time it was a stuffed animal I already have. Guess what? I’m 33, I have enough stuffed animals. I want grown-up stuff.

DR. SELMAN: This sounds like déjà vu all over again.

HILLY: Christmas is this month—

DR. SELMAN: Ah-ha!

HILLY: —and I want you to know, I don’t care how much money you have or don’t have, but I want a goddamn engagement ring. If you have to give me a Cracker Jack ring, I don’t care, but you have to give it to me. I was just thinking on the way over here—you’re friendly with Kenneth Jay Lane. Well, your mom’s friendly with him. Jesus Christ, he’s one of the most famous costume jewelry designers in the whole world. Get him to make me something fake and say, “Maybe in 10 years, 20 years I can afford to get you something better”—

DR. SELMAN: Get the setting and then get the stone.

HILLY: Exactly. I’ve given him ideas. Like the Van Halen thing, his name is “Diamond Dave.” You can’t give me a ring—but bring me to see Diamond Dave, that’s the next closest thing. Cheesy, but the sentiment counts.

GEORGE: May I try to say something?

HILLY: I don’t want a production in front of people, I just want a goddamn ring to put on my left finger because I’m old and I’m sick and tired of having to answer the questions. And you know, if I don’t get one, I’m moving on.

DR. SELMAN: Boy, that is a threat.

GEORGE: Anyway! She bought Van Halen tickets off eBay for a lot of money, and we hadn’t paid rent, so I said, “You can’t do that.”

DR. SELMAN: So you do have tickets?

HILLY: I’m on a waiting list.

DR. SELMAN: How does this address the ring? Next Page >

DR. SELMAN: Nice to see you guys!

GEORGE: What’s it been?

DR. SELMAN: Four months.

GEORGE: I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been out two nights in a row really late—not a big surprise, right?—and earlier in the week, I had this new attitude, that I was through with it, that I was over nightclubs and young people.

[GEORGE’s cell phone goes off. It’s a text message that reads, “let’s go get whiskey. i’m thirsty.”]

HILLY: We moved to Roosevelt Island.

GEORGE: It was her idea and the place is spectacular. It’s had a mostly positive effect on our relationship.

DR. SELMAN: Are you able to sleep there?

GEORGE: I was just going to say, that was my big problem, even before Hilly moved in with me. I sleep like a baby in the new apartment. My cat’s allowed in my room, she can walk around, say hi, but she can’t spend the night. I just crack the window, turn the fan on, slap on a Breathe Right, squirt in some nasal sprays and emollient, pop a Singulair, maybe a Zyrtec and I’m fine. No more Klonipins.

DR. SELMAN: And you have a beautiful view?

GEORGE: Sometimes I don’t even leave my room and just stare out the window. We pity Manhattanites, even that hedge fund guy who lives on top of the Time Warner building. We’ve been playing tennis—six courts right outside our door.

HILLY: And we can play until 11:00 at night.

GEORGE: And our apartment—I rarely leave it and that’s becoming a problem.

HILLY: And the kind of people Roosevelt Island attracts—a friend of mine went for a bike ride on Roosevelt Island and it was so strange, because you see completely opposite ends of the spectrum. She rode past a beautiful family of people speaking French, these adorable perfectly-dressed angelic children, and then right beyond them, there was a group of people having a big cookout and my friend heard shouting, a wife or girlfriend yelling at her boyfriend or husband: “All you do is sit around and drink all day and watch the game!” and it was kind of ghetto-like. And you have all the people who are in rehabilitation on the island, tons of wheelchairs, and there’s one nice guy who lives on a gurney—“the Gurney Man.” And then there’s “Party in a Wheelchair,” he’s kind of like Radioman but in a wheelchair, with James Brown blasting. Every time you see him, it’s the same thing, in the middle of the ecological sanctuary, this protected garden like space—beautiful wildflowers, and you’ll see a child flying a kite, and seagulls will fly over—and here comes Party in a Wheelchair, zooming past at Mach speed. The other day I got on the tram, and it was packed, body to body—and it was kind of hot, it was gross—and the doors shut, and I realize there is a guy in a wheelchair on there, and he had one of these machines that says insults, profane insults: `Fuck you! You’re an asshole!’ I can’t remember the other one, but over and over, the entire ride. Finally, the tram landed and everyone was like, “Oh, phew,” and I got on the little red shuttle bus that takes you to our building—he got on there, too, and he kept on playing this thing the entire time.

GEORGE: What song?

HILLY: What? Not a song, it was insults.

GEORGE: Oh right. Sorry, wasn’t listening.

DR. SELMAN: So you moved there in June?

GEORGE: We got off to kind of a rough start, some serious money issues, and a number of fights. But I really think we’re getting along much better. I wouldn’t have said that in July. Hilly’s paying two-thirds of the rent now. I’m in this phase now—from 15 to 21, I was a party boy; then 21 to 23 I started becoming hungry for knowledge, a wannabe intellectual, reading a lot, and then 23 to 30, that was all about work, and 30 until 38, I was hedonistic, and now that’s kind of ending. Now I just want to know more and get more and more smart and enlightened—I sit around and watch educational videos.

DR. SELMAN: You just said that you were out late for the last two nights—how does that fit in with what you just said? Next Page >

HILLY: Where’s the Effexor? Get the Effexor. Immediately. Give it to him.

DR. SELMAN: Why?

HILLY: Well, George has been a mess and—bless his sweet heart—he’s been really sick. He’s had shingles. We went to Florida for a long weekend—we stayed in the most gorgeous house you could ever imagine in your life, right on the beach. It was the most idyllic weekend in the whole entire world. The day after we came back—I had to go on a business trip for two weeks—George developed shingles. He was on all of this medication, and it worsened his stomach problems; he was on painkillers and antibiotics and he couldn’t eat, because of the pain in his ear and mouth. It’s just been lingering. I think the stress from the illness worsens his day-to-day stress. It just doesn’t stop. He can’t even speak—he sits there, almost in a fetal position. In addition, he spent the last five nights in a hotel, because he can’t take the air in the apartment, can’t sleep. And so at 5 o’clock in the morning, he storms out in a fit of rage—

GEORGE: Uhhh. Let’s just start over. O.K.! I haven’t been able to sleep well in the apartment for 18 months. Can’t breathe in there. Severe allergies. Frustration—not rage. Manhattan’s fault. Two months ago, I flew out to L.A. Friend of mine from college and I went to the Chateau Marmont—he had some mushroom cookies, and we were having lots of drinks, laughing, maybe 20 people there, a few celebrities, an Olsen twin. We got pretty loud, obnoxious. I had the next day to lounge by the pool, drank Bloody Marys. I flew back, drank Bloody Marys, left my toilet kit on the plane, went out that night to Siberia, stayed very late. Next night, Hilly and I had some drinks, took a cab out to Hangar 11 or something at J.F.K., got my toilet kit and went back to Siberia again—stayed even later. So I guess my immune system might have been a little compromised.

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James Hamilton

[Silence.]

GEORGE: And I had projects, work obligations, people on my case—all kinds of pressure. A lot of it was in my head. At one point, I felt like I was dealing with the Mafia or loan sharks—remember the guy gets his head in a vise in Casino? Like that, but via e-mail. These e-mails felt so cold-blooded, but I was reading too much into them. I ended up having two and a half panic attacks. Saying “I don’t know what I’m gonna do!” over and over, waking up Hilly. Felt really paranoid. I’m sure this has been horrible for Hilly.

DR. SELMAN: Where did you develop the shingles?

GEORGE: First I got some kind of cyst on my chin and my ear started to hurt—I thought I had swimmer’s ear. Then, back in New York, this redness streaked across my face. A few days later, I looked like the Elephant Man. About 10 days of excruciating pain. Sill comes and goes. A slight throbbing—I feel it right now, little bit, here on the chin. On the walk over here, it attacked me.

DR. SELMAN: What are you taking for it?

GEORGE: Nothing now. Doctor said the shingles would clear up in a month. But he said if these sensations are still there in two weeks, I should see a neurologist.

DR. SELMAN: I can give you something. Sounds like you have post-herpetic neuralgia.

GEORGE: Right, I don’t know if we’re at that stage yet.

DR. SELMAN: Sounds like post-herpetic neuralgia.

GEORGE: O.K., but I’m hoping that we’re not at the post-herpetic neuralgia stage yet.

DR. SELMAN: It may go away. I’ll give you some Lyrica—it’ll help. Next Page >