Mocking the Wedding Video

COLLEEN: Danny and I are kind, mild-mannered sorts who leave our change in tip jars, give money to the Red Cross and return phones we find in cabs, three to date. But when we engage in our favorite wedding planning task, watching sample wedding DVD's from videographers, something about it brings a dormant mean-spiritedness front and center.

Last night, our first DVD started strong: We had some great laughs at a rabbi, who resembled a homeless man. We laughed at an aging hippie groom with ponytail.

When the action flagged we'd resort to reliving our past glories, like the "Ballad of Stacy and Mike," set in Westhampton, an epic in doggerel verse we composed in honor of a couple whose self-congratulatory gusto had to be addressed. Our poem tells every detail of the happy couple's courtship: from meeting over apple martinis at the Drift Inn in Quogue followed by fellatio that night, to spending every weekend at each other's summer shares, to getting a summer share together! To finally--the big day.