The Eight-Day Week

P.S. there’s a war going on, and British documentarian Nick Broomfield, auteur of screen gems such as Kurt & Courtney and Biggie and Tupac, not to mention Aileen Wuornos: The Selling of a Serial Killer (no, that wasn’t the one with Charlize Theron), has released Battle for Haditha, his fictional account of the events leading up to a 2005 massacre of Iraqi civilians by U.S. Marines. “The most surprising thing is that it was really hard to blame anyone,” said Mr. Broomfield, calling from London. “I think when something like this happens, you want to go around blaming someone, but it’s hard to blame traumatized 17-year-olds, or people who joined the Marines at 17 who really are kind of cannon fodder, and no one’s really looking after them. It’s hard to blame them, actually, once you meet them and you see who they are and what they’ve been through.”

[Battle for Haditha at Film Forum, 209 West Houston Street, May 7 through May 20, www.filmforum.org for showtimes]

More proof that you can lie your ass off and still win in America! Disgraced memoirist James Frey is back with a vengeance, sucking in bucks from Harper publishers and redeeming himself in the usual way—Vanity Fair profile accompanied by arty photo—and reading from his new book, Bright Shiny Morning—a novel, mind you—at the Blender Theater. Watch for literary gals in skirts and boots to tell you how “brave” Mr. Frey is “after all he’s been through” and then they’ll try to take him home and bathe him in the tub.

[James Frey & Josh Kilmer Purcell, Blender Theater, 127 East 23rd Street, 6 p.m., www.irvingplaza.com]

Nina meets Niven! Former Elle fashion editor (and Project Runway star) Nina Garcia puts on a brave face for the kiddies at Project Sunshine’s gala at the Waldorf (worthy of fashionable events such as this only since its recent makeover), featuring an auction by Sotheby’s auctioneer Jamie Niven and a performance by Grey’s Anatomy crooner Ingrid Michaelson, not to mention a possible sighting of Bar Refaeli, the blond Israeli model best known for bonking and being bonked by Leonardo DiCaprio.

[Project Sunshine gala, the Waldorf-Astoria, 301 Park Avenue, 6 p.m., 212-354-8035]

Wake up, scribble note on hand to call mom, ingest potent prescription-drug cocktail and brave midtown to claw through sea of semi-starving publicists and fashion assistants who are five years younger than you for remaining scraps of eco-fashion darling Rogan’s new cheapo line for Target—before it wraps up a three-day Barneys cameo and retreats to Target in Brooklyn (which feels very far to travel even for $14.99 designer duds).

[Rogan for Target at Barneys, 660 Madison Avenue, 11 a.m. to 6 p.m., 212-826-8900]

Nuptializing the Bushes: Somewhere off on a Texan plain, presidential daughter Jenna Bush ties the knot in an Oscar de la Renta gown while pappy counts the days until he can forget all about this whole unfortunate presidential thing and get back to clearing the brush and watching baseball! Meanwhile in Prospect Park, Mayor Bloomie continues his quest to make the air breathable around here and promotes his MillionTreesNYC initiative (The plan: Plant a million trees by 2017. Can we ship out the residents of Williamsburg to make room for them?) with a charming tree adoption event! (That sound you hear is our biological clock getting excited!) Prospective tree parents (two-parent homes will be given preference) can choose their little one from breeds such as Red Bud, Cherry, Crabapple, Sweetgum, Oak, Tulip Poplar and Buckeye. Of course, our skinny, unemployed musician is concerned about the cost of fertilizer. …

[MillionTreesNYC Adoption event, CENYC Greenmarket, Grand Army Plaza, Prospect Park NW Entrance, Brooklyn, 8 a.m. to 2 p.m.]

Will Blair get Her bitchgroove back? This and other pressing matters will be up for discussion at “Ultimate Gossip Girl Summit” at the People’s Improv Theater, sure to warm the cockles of Serena van der Woodsen’s heart. (Note to self: Maybe we should cut our hair like that?) Other topics on the tableau include “Will the black girl ever get a speaking role?”; “What happened to the Asian girl?”; and “Who is Georgina?” In other comedic news, naughty Sarah Silverman appears in the flesh at Columbia University to perform a benefit show for Project A.L.S. “Project A.L.S. is a vital crusade—to find a cure for a horrific disease—and also to fight for the legality of stem cell research—for the right to put science over fundamentalism so that people may live past this and countless other diseases,” wrote the suddenly sérieuse comedienne in an e-mail that was far tamer than the material she’ll be trying out onstage.

[Gossip Girl summit, the People’s Improv Theater, 154 West 29th Street, 8 p.m., 212-563-7488; Sarah Silverman in concert, Alfred Lerner Hall, 2920 Broadway, 8 p.m., 212-352-3103]

Note to self! Cut back to two Splendas, and read The New Yorker instead of watching E! The tweedy editors and camisole-clad interns at that venerable magazine take Town Cars to Barry Diller’s molten IAC building abutting the Hudson River for a gabfest titled “Stories from the Near Future,” featuring the usual lineup—Malcolm Gladwell, Jane Mayer, Alex Ross, Bill Buford, Jeffrey Toobin—squaring off with a cast of cultural movers including super-Democrat (and inspiration for Bradley Whitford’s West Wing character!) Rahm Emanuel, pretty-boy San Fran mayor Gavin Newsom, dapper police commissioner Ray Kelly, and ubiquitous foodie fetish-object David Chang. (It’s pork and noodles, people!) Don’t shoot, commissioner Kelly, that’s no flying squirrel—it’s only Mr. Gladwell’s hair! If all of this is too rich for your blood, hop your Vespa to Lincoln Center for Camelot, starring—nope, not Kiera Knightley, silly—nanny Fran Drescher! Ms. Drescher will portray the sorceress Morgan le Fey alongside Gabriel Byrne’s King Arthur. “I’m playing a myst-ay-rious, bee-you-tee-ful queen that lives in an enchanted fahrest,” Ms. Drescher explained, calling during a break in rehearsal and speaking in a much more mild version of her trademark accent than we’re used to. She added that her character has the life we’ve always wanted—i.e., lots of sex in the afternoon and lots of eating at night. “She can eat whatever she wants and not gain a pound.” And: “I’ve always been an afternoon delight.” Finally: “I’ve always wanted to make things invisible.” The producers, she said, are reveling in her accent. “They want me to play it up. And I thought I would be able to do this and maybe speak the King’s English.” Now let’s get back to spending those $600 economic stimulus checks! We called Real Simple editrix Kristin van Ogtrop to discuss her magazine’s Design on a Dime event—an auction of housewares to benefit Housing Works (as if we hadn’t siphoned enough money to them via their thrift shops already)—“It’s for such a great cause, and you almost forget that because it’s so fabulous,” she said. “It doesn’t feel like charity. It feels like shopping.” Phew!

[The New Yorker Conference: Stories From the Near Future, the IAC Building, 555 West 18th Street, www.newyorker.com/promo/conference; Camelot, Lincoln Center, 70 Lincoln Center Plaza, 8 p.m., 212-721-6500; Real Simple Design on a Dime VIP event, Metropolitan Pavilion, 125 West 18th Street, 6 p.m., www.housingworksauctions.com/events/dod/?page=tickets]

Why is Hillary Clinton dissing what she calls “these Wall Street money grubbers”? Some of those money grubbers are our best friends! (And surely one will be our future husband!) Back to home base, it’s only a few days into spring and already we’re exhausted by skipping lunch to fit into those treacherously short, weirdly schoolmarmish spring dresses—and don’t even get us started on the “summer boot,” a marketing gimmick by manufacturers to exploit New York women’s insane obssession with boots. Well, saddle up, it’s time to get some galas in before the summer airlift to the Hamptons. There’s a bash for Phoenix House, which benefits substance abuse treatment, honoring Peter G. Peterson, senior chairman of the Blackstone Group who begat Holly Peterson, poster of socialite music videos on YouTube and writer of books about male nannies. Expect Tina Brown and her knighted hubby, Sir Harold Evans, and other finely aged power duos such as Diane Sawyer and Mike Nichols, Caryn and Jeff Zucker, Cynthia and Steve Brill, Vanity Fair writer Marie Brenner and banker hubby Ernie Pomerantz, and Jane and Jimmy Buffett (huh?), not to mention saucy Baba Wawa and Henry Kissinger (who are not, as far as we know, attending together). Meanwhile, the Lower Manhattan Cultural Council, philanthropic brainchild of David Rockefeller, honors Mayor Michael Bloomberg, playwright Edward Albee and artist Kiki Smith at its Downtown Dinner, an annual gala uniting artists and business figures for the glorious purpose of continuing to inflate the art market! We called up Ms. Smith, who told us she loves Mr. Albee but does not love the real estate sitch in Lower Manhattan. “Artists used to be a dominant population below Canal Street,” she said. “Now I couldn’t afford to move to where I live now, either.” (That would be the East Village, where she maintains a garden.) “I’m really interested in flowers and chairs at the moment—both together and separate,” she said. “What flowers mean and what they mean in your life in different contexts—what a bouquet means, what a corsage means … I love dandelions. I like that they’re uncontrollable.”

[Phoenix House 40th Anniversary Gala, the Plaza, Fifth Avenue and Central Park South, 6:30 p.m., 646-505-2091; Downtown Dinner 2008, 7 World Trade Center, top floor, 6 p.m., 212-219-9401]

The New Yorker’s Adam Gopnik snagged one of the best gigs ever years ago—being paid to live in Paris and jot down his musings and getting those musings published, again and again and again, in the magazine and then a memoir. … Today he is feted at the “Second Annual Celebration of Food, France and Franco-American Friendship” at Daniel, with a fancy feast by Monsieur Boulud himself. (Hmmm, bittersweet chocolate-praliné crémeux, anyone?)

[American Hospital of Paris Foundation honors Adam Gopnik, Daniel, 60 East 65th Street, 7 p.m., 212-605-0398]

Shih tzus? You’re welcome! Finally, a gala that invites fancy people and their pooches! “The Bideawee Ball: For the Love of Pets” aims to raise money for cute fuzzy creatures left homeless by Manhattan tragedies such as grumpy landlords and 18-hour days at the law firm. Caroline Kennedy presents an award to distinguished Manhattan veterinarian Dr. Lewis Berman as comely chef Rocco DiSpirito and noted Yorkie activist Cindy Adams look on. (We’ll get our own mangy mutt just as soon as we find a houseboy to watch him during the day, and while he’s at it, do our laundry!)

[Bideawee Ball, Espace at the Atelier, 635 West 42nd Street, 6:30 p.m., 516-220-4412]

She may have lost her movie magic but Julia Roberts can still walk the red carpet with the best of them—especially if she’s with George Clooney! The two stars trod the turf at the Met’s Costume Institute Gala, presented by Vogue’s Anna Wintour. In more news of world-conquering women (you go, sisters, we’ll just be over here … exfoliating), the Albert Einstein College of Medicine bestows its 54th annual “Spirit of Achievement” awards to View host Whoopi Goldberg, Town & Country editrix Pamela Fiori, candy entrepreneur Dylan Lauren and Iraqi architect Zaha Hadid. Too bad these swell events are competing with Gossip Girl—Serena van der Woodsen just makes us want to try youth all over again, pretty.

[Costume Institute Gala, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, 1000 Fifth Avenue, 7 p.m., 212-570-3948 Spirit of Achievement Awards, the Pierre Hotel, 2 East 61st Street, noon to 2 p.m., 718-430-2818; Gossip Girl, CW, 8 p.m.]

New Yorkers can’t get enough of puffy, sozzled Brit brat Christopher Hitchens—the question is, why are the other 415,283 puffy, sozzled intellectuals in the U.K. letting Hitch have all the fun, instead of high-tailing it over here to join him in soaking up American booze, TV time and tipsy tarts? Mr. Hitchens pops up today at a New York Times’ event—terrifyingly titled “Sunday with the Magazine”—a brainy chatfest featuring Hitch, designer Donatella Versace, Project Runway’s Tim Gunn, comedian Tracey Ullman and Governor David Paterson.

[Sunday with the Magazine, TimesCenter, 242 West 41st Street, www.sundaywiththemagazine.com for tickets and times]

40,000 muscular dames hoof it from Times Square to Central Park to raise money to fight cancer in Revlon’s Run/Walk for Women, hosted by lady-lovin’ Tiki Barber. “I prefer atrophy over exercise,” e-mailed Karen Duffy, the actress and former Revlon model who is planning to walk. “I haven’t run since high-school track practice.” Ms. Duffy, who has battled cancer, added: “I was a spokesperson for Almay and Charlie, two of Revlon’s brands. When I was going through chemo and steroid treatments, Revlon kept me on, which is remarkable. I didn’t think I could work as a model when I was bald-headed and inflated from my treatments, but Revlon, and especially Ron Perelman, have been incredible.” (You hush now, Ms. Ellen Barkin!) Ms. Duffy added that in place of training, she opts for a “lycra exoskeleton of underpinnings,” and that “the survivors’ party at the finish line is astounding. All the people who are enduring treatment or have been treated in the past gather under a tent and say a few words about their journey.” (Now we’re feeling bad for feeling bad about our forehead wrinkle). Later, the folks at the Apple Store in Soho, not content to have merely convinced us life isn’t worth living without an iPod, get in on the Tribeca Film Festival action with a Filmmaker Talks series, featuring luminaries such as screenwriter Paul Haggis, who is responsible for Million Dollar Baby and—eek—Crash. Anybody else wonder why the Tribeca Film Festival seems to be taking place everywhere except Tribeca?

[Revlon Run/Walk for Women, Times Square; Paul Haggis at the Apple Store, 103 Prince Street, 6:30 p.m.]

The cineastes and cinephiles (Say it with us: cinephiles! Better even than oenophiles!) at BAMcinématek, who apparently found something worthwhile about My Blueberry Nights, celebrate artsy Hong Kong filmmaker Wong Kar-Wai’s 20 years as a director by releasing As Tears Go By, his acclaimed first film, which offers further proof that he should cease filming in English, or at least cease casting Norah Jones in starring roles. Later, the Tribeca Film Festival stages “Breaking the Band”—O.K., fine, “Breaking the Band Sponsored by Target,” snore!—at Webster Hall, featuring only one musical act we’ve ever heard of, Brooklyn indie kings The Hold Steady. (The Virgins? The Republic Tigers? That sound you hear is us growing older … and wiser.)

[As Tears Go By, BAM Rose Cinemas, 30 Lafayette Avenue, Brooklyn, www.bam.org for showtimes; Breaking the Band Sponsored by Target, Webster Hall, 125 East 11th Street, 6 p.m., www.tribecafilmfestival.org]

A Flick for Mr. Spitzer? The Babysitters is a movie about a babysitter who bonks her charges’ father. When his married pals decide they, too, would like to bonk a babysitter, the babysitter does what any entrepreneurial lass would do: She starts a high-class prostitution ring! Expected to attend tonight’s screening are the film’s stars, John Leguizamo, Cynthia Nixon and Katherine Waterston. And then, in the latest chapter of famous people deciding they are also—who knew!—talented fine art photographers (see: Hedi Slimane, Lou Reed, Mikhail Baryshnikov), rocker Bryan Adams opens a photo exhibit featuring portraits of other frightening famous persons such as Amy Winehouse, Mick Jagger, Lindsay Lohan, Plácido Domingo and Michael Buble, all to raise money for hearing loss. (Well, if anyone can make us want to lose our hearing, it’s Michael Buble.)

[The Babysitters screening, Tribeca Grand, 2 Avenue of the Americas, 8 p.m., invite only; Bryan Adams’ Hear the World exhibit, 413-415 West 14th Street, 7 p.m., 800-503-6369]

Deforest this, Mrs. Roosevelt! Picasso’s granddaughter, Diana, has designed an eco-T-shirt! So have other muggly-glubs such as actresses Scarlett Johansson and Camilla Belle; Vanity Fair fashion and style director Michael Roberts; and Brazilian model Caroline Trentini. You can have a gander at a Rainforest Foundation bash hosted by fancy-dress designer Carlos Miele and Vogue magazine, with an assist from attendees such as towering nightlife glamazon Amy Sacco, dermo-socialite Lisa Airan and woolly-headed socialite Arden Wohl. “The deforestation of the Amazon is contributing to global climate change, which affects us all,” said Mr. Miele in an e-mail. “Warmed seas and changing weather patterns are creating new and profound risks for people and the environment.” Asked to describe the eco-practices of his own company, Mr. Miele said, “I try to utilize the most out of fabrics. We recycle leftover fabrics and use them with Brazilian handcraft technique called ‘fuxico’—the dresses turn out amazing!” Also: “I use an innovate pool cleaning system in my house in Florianopolis, which focuses on salt chlorinator. It is a great way to balance the water within the pool and still be able to help the environment.” (We’re still stuck on Florianopolis. …) And finally: “I recently have replaced every single light bulb in both my house and company with environmentally friendly light bulb.” Give the man an eco-medal! Moving on to altruism in the arts, Free Arts NYC—which brings “the healing power of art” to underserved children—auctions off polaroids by art stars Kehinde Wiley, Chuck Close and Marilyn Minter at Phillips de Pury. Hosts include smoldering Brit Clive Owen (pant, pant!), Amy Sacco again, and Mary Alice Stephenson, host of America’s Most Smartest Model (you know we’ve been meaning to watch it...). For America’s most smartest political junkies, the American Society of Magazine Editors hosts a smarty-pants panel of leftists including Michelle Cottle (The New Republic), Matt Taibbi (Rolling Stone) and Katrina vanden Heuvel (The Nation), moderated by NBC robo-anchor Brian Williams. These poor shmucks—imagine how much they must dread yet another few hours of thinking and talking about the Democratic primary. Hillary hurts our brain, and makes us want to take a nap—in Clive Owen’s trousers! Meanwhile, cartoonists join the anthology craze! The Dorothy Parker Society hosts New Yorker cartoonist Liza Donnelly and other contributors to Sex & Sensibility: Ten Women Examine the Lunacy of Modern Love … in 200 Cartoons at the Algonquin Hotel. “I’ve always been fascinated as to why there aren’t more women in cartooning and humor in general,” said Ms. Donnelly, who conceived the idea for the book, when we called her up. “Our society has typically chronicled love and sex from the male point of view. It’s time for more women to be out there on the front lines.” To that end, Sex & Sensibility explores “how the rules are changing between men and women, or maybe they’re not.” (We still make no money and do all the dishes; now we just don’t have husbands to blame it on!) Dorothy Parker, she added, was “one of the best humorists we ever had. I don’t want to call her a woman humorist; that’s a pet peeve of mine.” Ms. Donnelly has scribbled for The New Yorker since 1982. Pressed to name her best cartoons ever, she said: “One that seems to be very popular is a woman standing outside of her New York City apartment with a guy she’s just been on a date with, and she says, ‘I’d invite you up, but my life’s a mess.’ And then there’s another one I like a lot; it’s a little girl who said, ‘Mom, some kids at school called you a feminist but I punched them out.’”

[Carlos Miele cocktail, 408 West 14th Street, 7 p.m., invite only; Portraits & Polaroids, Phillips de Pury & Company, 450 West 15th Street, third floor, 7 p.m., 212-974-9092; ASME Members Lunch & Annual Meeting, Hearst Tower, 300 West 57th Street, noon to 2:15 p.m.; Dorothy Parker Society cartoonists’ event, Algonquin Hotel, 59 West 44th Street, 6:30 p.m.]

Ducasse? Delish! Kitchen star Alain Ducasse opens his latest French joint, Benoit, on West 55th Street, with a party hosted by Town & Country editrix Pamela Fiori. On the menu? Who cares!

[Benoit, 60 West 55th Street, 6:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.]

Some gherkins with your Birkin? The man who leapt over the Hermes waiting list to snag Birkin bags for his very rich clients—Michael Tonello—is toasted at Fireside Cocktail Cuisine for his memoir, Bringing Home the Birkin. We hear there’s going to be a show and tell. ... Meanwhile, if you like riding bulls more than Birkins, head over to the launch party for country star (and Faith Hill babydaddy) Tim McGraw’s new cologne at the Highline Ballroom, featuring a mini-concert by the man himself. (We dare emo-indie Brooklyn rock doofuses to beat these lyrics: “I had a BBQ stain on my white T-shirt, she was killin’ me in that miniskirt. …”)

[Michael Tonello book party, Fireside Cocktail Cuisine, 21 East 52 Street, 6 p.m., invite only; Tim McGraw cologne launch, Highline Ballroom, 431 West 16th Street, 6:30 p.m.]

It’s been at least three days since we’ve had an eco-gala around here! Finance-in-his-pants Hank Paulson—who has that lacrosse captain-turned-bespectacled billionaire attractiveness that women inexplicably go crazy for—formerly of Goldman Sachs and now of the U.S. Treasury, joins eco-elf Michael Bloomberg at the Nature Conservancy’s “Greening the World” Spring Gala at the boastfully green Hearst Tower. (Can a company that wastes paper on Cosmo every month really be green?).

[Greening the World gala, Hearst Tower, 300 West 57th Street, 6:30 p.m., 212-763-8590]

Each year we like to pretend we actually live in the Kips Bay Show House (though don’t try taking a bath; they don’t like that so much) and this year they up the ante with a kitchen designed by culinary force-of-nature Daniel Boulud, who somehow found time between Top Chef tapings and opening restaurants in exotic locales like Vegas, China and the Upper West Side. Proceeds from the Show House go toward the Boys & Girls Club, but what we’d really like is for Mr. Bouloud to make us dinner while we relax in our Kips Bay Show House! Instead, we’ll probably drown thoughts about our own paltry cookware in a sack of Twizzlers and the Helen Hunt flick Then She Found Me, which features the most promising cast we’ve seen in a while: Ms. Hunt, Bette Midler, Colin Firth, Matthew Broderick, and Salman Rushdie. (Take that, Padma!)

[Kips Bay Decorator Show House, 200 East 66th Street, 11 a.m. to 5 p.m., www.kipsbay.org; Then She Found Me, www.fandango.com]

With all the hoopla sur­round­ing the Tribeca Film Festival, you may have failed to notice the equally glam Romanian film festival at Lincoln Center. (Oh, and if you’re thinking of dolling up and attending in search of a fetching, tortured Romanian, we do not recommend it!) Anyway, dolled or no, it’s your last day to catch gems such as Love Sick, a film about two young women experimenting with lesbianism in college. (We personally have been kicking ourselves for years over this lost opportunity.)

[Shining Through a Long, Dark Night: Romanian Cinema, Then and Now, www.filmlinc.com for showtimes]

Would we take Metro North to Ridgefield, Conn., to see Steve Martin? Heck yes! The Aldrich Contemporary Art Museum hosts a dinner fund-raiser and discussion featuring married art-stars-about-town Eric Fischl and April Gornik and Mr. Martin, who was a onetime Fischl portrait subject (not a nude).

[Aldrich Museum Patrons’ Dinner, 258 Main Street, Ridgefield, Conn., 6:30 p.m., 203-438-4519]

‘Tis the season for soothingone’s hangover face-down in the park while important people primp and pimp for gala previews! “Once Upon a Time” (O.K., we’re all adults here, can we please stop with the fairy-tale names?) is the Gala Preview of the Spring International Art & Antiques Show to benefit Lenox Hill Neighborhood House. Expect Real Housewives of NYC star Jill Zarin—who is either a real socialite or plays one on TV, does it even matter these days?—elegant Bergdorf’s fashion director Linda Fargo, interior designer Bunny Williams (hop, hop, hop!), designer Oscar de la Renta and prominent socialite and Republican Audrey Gruss. And in news of the roaring left, former John Edwards campaign blogger Amanda Marcotte reads at Bluestockings on the Lower East Side from her book, It’s a Jungle Out There: The Feminist Survival Guide to Politically Inhospitable Environments, which, she told us, “acknowledges the fact that being a feminist is also about living in the world, and the world is still very sexist, and there are eight million teeth-grinding events that can happen to a feminist in a day.” We totally know! We were a feminist in college and it was sooo frustrating! Ms. Marcotte explained that these teeth-grinding experiences can include anything from “guys who try to pick you up by condescending to you, to how to handle all the sexist traditions at weddings, to dealing with the right-wingers in your family who think its funny to tease you, to dealing with anti-choicers and other sorts of sexist …” She trailed off. (You would not believe the right-wingers in our family, but they still pay our cell-phone bill, so …). We asked Ms. Marcotte if anyone really had the energy to be a feminist anymore. “I hear all the time that it’s not a popular thing to call yourself, but I see no evidence that the percentage of women who self-identify as feminists is going down,” she said. “There’s a lot of negative stereotypes. The No. 1 being that feminists are humorless. If we’re humorless, we can’t write humor books!” Oh, snap! And back at the Tribeca Film Festival: John Landis, director of Thriller—and, more importantly, Animal House—screens his classic Michael Jackson video in honor of its 25th anniversary. (The event also features a downright scary-sounding “Michael Jackson look-alike contest.”) We reached Mr. Landis in his car in L.A., where he was just leaving the cutting room. “I just came out and got in the car and it’s like 93 degrees,” he said. “I grew up in L.A., and it ruins you, it really does, because I’ve now made films all over the world—New York, Chicago, London, Paris, Norway, Rome. And when I encounter snow and freezing weather, I think ‘These people are crazy!’ I grew up thinking of snow as a luxury. Like, you ski, you sled, and then you go home, where it’s nice! My son goes to University of Miami, it’s like a swamp! I go there and it’s like, ‘Holy shit, we’re in the Congo!’” Mmmkay. But back to Thriller: “When Michael came to me, it was only because he saw American Werewolf and loved it. He wanted to turn into a monster. It was a ridiculous sensation. No one was prepared. And it was on TV every 3 minutes.” Also: “Up until Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes, it was the largest makeup call in history, in terms of how many makeup artists worked on it.” And! “There have actually been courses in the Harvard Business School taught about Thriller,” which inadvertently “created the home video business. It changed everything. Although with technology it’s changing again.” (Umm, we kind of zone out when discussing life before Netflix, sir.)

[“Once Upon a Time,” Park Avenue Armory, Park Avenue at 67th Street, 6:30 p.m., 212-744-5022, ext. 1355; Amanda Marcotte at Bluestockings, 172 Allen Street, 7 p.m.; Thriller screening, Tribeca Drive-in, 200 Vesey Street, 7:30 p.m., www.tribecafilmfestival.org]

It’s 3 a.m. and we know we’re not sleeping so soundly after Hillary Clinton said last week in the ABC debate that, if elected president, she’d commit the United States to launching an attack of “massive retaliation” against Iran if it attacked Saudi Arabia, Kuwait or the United Arab Emirates. Errrr ... ummm ... yikes? Didn’t we go through all that with Bushes I and II? Help! Meanwhile, locally, that bonehead Shelly Silver torpedoed congestion pricing, thereby condemning New York City to decades of clogged streets, blocked boxes and escalating pollution. Luckily, the Tribeca Film Festival premieres Baby Mama just in time, a Tina Fey-Amy Poehler comedy about a woman who never finds love but does find a surrogate mother! Later, the fashionistas flock (flap, flap, flap!) to a Marchesa fashion-show fund-raiser for St Jude’s Children’s Hospital called “A Night of a Thousand Lights,” hosted by über-stylist Phillip Bloch along with Keren Craig and bride-of-Weinstein Georgina Chapman. Expect a glammy, clammy haul of boldface names including actress Diane Kruger, models Molly Sims and Iman, beleaguered socialite striver Olivia Palermo and indefatigable party gals Fabiola Beracasa and Lydia Hearst. Meanwhile, slavery is all too alive and well in the world, and serious people gather at the National Arts Club to hear from Benjamin Skinner’s A Crime So Monstrous: Face to Face With Modern-day Slavery. Expected are Clinton pal Richard Holbrooke and his stepdaughter, Elizabeth Jennings (daughter of Peter; the tangled webs we weave!), not to mention flacks Ken Sunshine and Shawn Sachs. Finally, here’s a shocker: Lydia Hearst beau Joe Barney, a recent Duke grad who met the comely heiress at their five-year high-school reunion, is a budding rock star! Tonight, he plays his first New York show ever at the Bitter End. “I’d say it’s somewhere between John Mayer and Radiohead,” said Mr. Barney. About Lydia: “She’s probably my biggest fan. She’s extremely supportive and wonderful.” Also: “She’s one of the smartest girls I’ve ever met. I think that’s the most impressive thing about her.”

[Baby Mama premiere, Ziegfeld Theatre, 7:30 p.m., www.tribecafilmfestival.org; “A Night of a Thousand Lights,” Roseland Ballroom, 239 West 52nd Street, 7 p.m., 212-239-3239; A Crime So Monstrous book party, National Arts Club, 15 Gramercy Park South, 6 p.m., rsvp@acrimesomonstrous.com; Joe Barney at the Bitter End, 147 Bleecker Street, 9 p.m.]

Give till it Hearst: Well, possums, we did what we possibly could to save the planet, and now we can return to thinking about sailor pants, woven totes and other spring fashion treats! Hearst Magazines honcho and author of female-empowerment books Cathie Black joins Harper’s Bazaar editor Glenda Bailey and leggy cougar Diane Von Furstenberg to fete a photo exhibit, “Harper’s Bazaar & American Fashion: 75 Years of Headlines & Hemlines,” at the Hearst Tower (which, sigh, is energy-efficient and eco-friendly). The Eight-Day Week says: Stay home with a moist compress on your forehead, a Styrofoam container of take-out and Project Runway reruns on the telly.

[Hearst photo exhibit, 300 West 57th Street, 6 p.m., invite only]

Hillary hangs on as if by a swaying tree branch. … Leave it to the Pennsylvanians to hold their primary on the actual, official Earth Day—today!—and distract us from the important work of buying fair-trade, eco-friendly spray cleaner with news of our democracy at work. (Though quite honestly, we are beginning to wish it would take a few months off.) Do we sense a vast, anti-environmentalist right-wing conspiracy here? Meanwhile, Barneys CEO Howard Socol and fashion director Julie Gilhart celebrate a new T-shirt recycling program involving old T-shirts being reborn as new, eco-chic Loomstate T’s—is it just us that kind of misses the old, wasteful Barneys of the 1990s?—with designer Rogan Gregory, DJ Paul Sevigny and the latest young, female, British musical wunderkind, Kate Nash. Later, Stepford-esque first lady Laura Bush and her daughter Jenna—the blond boozehound-suddenly-turned-New Victorian/young novelist—pop up at the 92nd Street Y to chat with writer Julia Reed (Newsweek, Vogue) about literacy and education and shill their new children’s book, Read All About It!, as part of an endless public relations campaign to make the American populace forget about George W. Bush’s special moments with children’s books. …

[Barneys + Loomstate event, Barneys New York, Madison at 61st Street, 7 p.m., invite only; Laura and Jenna Bush at the 92nd Street Y, 1395 Lexington Avenue, 8 p.m., www.92y.org]

able was I ere I saw elgort: While New Yorkers gawp at cherry blossoms blooming in Central Park, the African Rainforest Conservancy is busy trying to save, like, entire rainforests in Africa! At their 17th Annual Artists for Africa Benefit at the Bowery Hotel, cranky, pudgy actor James Gandolfini is presenting environmentalist Gloria Flora (no really, Gloria Flora) with the 2008 New Species Award, while Sotheby’s auctions off work by shmancy photographers like Arthur Elgort and Wayne Maser. Vogue editors chug some fair-trade organic coffee and don their finest tribal prints and clanking wooden bangles. …

[African Rainforest Conservancy 17th Annual Artists for Africa Benefit, Bowery Hotel, 7 p.m., 212-431-5508]

Pope Scope, Pt. 2 Oops—it’s actually Earth Day, Charlie Brown! Spoiled private-school children empty out of uptown co-ops, get miserably high and proceed to Rumsey Playfield in Central Park for an celebration that includes a performance by Ricky Skaggs and Big Head Todd & the Monsters (Diana Ross it ain’t) not to mention—oh, dear—“family planting and mulching projects.” The real question is: Will chic reusable canvas eco-bags be available for purchase? Later, how do you make an afternoon at Yankee Stadium truly wild? Stir in some Pope! It’s the last day of the Official Papal Visit and so the multiculti Young People’s Chorus of New York City will lift their voices during a solemn Pontifical Mass. Feel mild guilt for refusing to call your mother on Easter, then get over it.

[Earth Day in Central Park, Rumsey Playfield, noon to 4 p.m.; Papal Mass, www.archny.org, tickets through the church only]

pope scope, pt. 1 It’s Arbor Day, Charlie Brown! Having failed in his noble quest to charge frumpy suburbanites to visit our city, Mayor Bloomberg, everyone’s favorite eco-elf, turns his attention to the one million trees he’s threatened to plant in the next 10 years. … Today, inhale deeply as 250 go up in East Harlem’s Thomas Jefferson Park, a feat of landscaping undertaken by 500 volunteers who are better people than us. And what’s the pope up to today, you may be wondering? His excellency attends Mass at St. Patrick’s, after which, get this, the “pontiff will ride in an enclosed popemobile” back uptown, reports The Times, in what we blindly trust is not The Times “getting cute” again.

[“One Thing That’s Green” tree-planting event, Thomas Jefferson Park, 114th and Pleasant Avenue, 9 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.]

Hunger artists Hey, here are 10 new plays we actually might be able to understand, since they’re all about eating! The Emerging Artists’ Theater belches up something called Spring EATFest 2008, which includes “The Food Monologues”—about, naturally, women’s fraught relationship with sustenance, and comes as something as a relief after the late-20th-century hit The Vagina Monologues, which was about women’s fraught relationship with their cooches. “Society expects women to look a certain way, and unfortunately you could get your nails done, you could get your hair done, wear a nice dress, but if you’re overweight it doesn’t matter; you’re not going to be pretty in society’s eyes,” bemoaned playwright Kerri Kochanski, adding: “When I was writing this play I realized there’s a lot of reasons why women eat, and the least important reason is hunger.” Profound! The play—which features, worrisomely, “an actual food binge”—profiles 13 women and their food issues, including an anorexic teenager, a bulimic college student and a woman who’s reaching middle age and looking in the mirror and saying, How did I end up looking like this?’” Oy vay—how many calories in a vodka shot again?

[The Food Monologues, Roy Arias Theatre Center, 300 West 43rd Street, 7 p.m., www.eatheatre.org]

Mizrahi loves company Animals! Most of us like to kill ’em dead and eat ’em aside a raspberry consommé, or wear ’em with Prada pants, but the exemplary folks at the ASPCA think differently. … Tonight, starlet-groping gay Isaac Mizrahi, the new designer at doughty old label Liz Claiborne, emcees the organization’s Bergh Ball at the Plaza. The young people of conscience who are coming include actress Lake Bell, former Kid Rock arm-candy May Anderson, and candy freak Dylan Lauren. Older people: designer Nicole Miller, known for her ties, and Today’s Matt Lauer, who’s gotta be rubbing his hands in glee over former colleague Katie Couric’s rumored imminent exit from CBS. Shmancy jeweler Chopard has created pendants with diamond paws for the occasion. (Just what every homeless street dog needs: bling!) Also tonight: Perpetual PETA target Donna Karan wraps herself in light leather for the HealthCorps Gala at the Hammerstein Ballroom, featuring ubiquitous doctor Mehmet Oz, Oprah BFF Gayle King and actor-turned-socialite Matthew Modine. The evening’s honoree: our favorite rapper and closet do-gooder LL Cool J! But wait, there’s more! Teen mentoring organization Road Recovery, which promotes “music without drugs” (keep dreamin’, folks!), is hosting an anniversary benefit at the Nokia Theatre in Times Square with sobered-up rockers Slash, Jerry Cantrell of Alice in Chains, Perry Farrell of Jane’s Addiction, and actor Dennis Leary and his band the Crown Royals, featuring the Rehab Horns. “A life spent in the grip of abuse or addiction is truly and injustice, Road Recovery’s mentor programs foster important change in young people’s lives—and they rock hard at the same time,” said Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello, in a rather canned e-mail. Added Slash, or someone pretending to be Slash, also via e-mail: “I am proud to be a member of this great organization. With my friends, I plan to show up and jam for Road Recovery.” And that’s the last time we ever e-mail anyone for “comment”! Finally, for anyone still paying attention to the longest-presidential-primary-the-world-has-ever-seen, blog queen Arianna Huffington bops in from Brentwood with some to lecture on “Presidential Politics Today.” Bring ouzo in a little flask.

[ASPCA Bergh Ball, the Plaza, 7 p.m., invite only; HealthCorps Gala, Hammerstein Ballroom, 311 West 34th Street, 6 p.m., www.healthcorps.org; Road Recovery Foundation’s 10th Anniversary, Nokia Theatre, 1515 Broadway, 7 p.m., www.ticketmaster.com; Arianna Huffington lecture, John L. Tishman Auditorium, 66 West 12th Street, 6 p.m., www.milano.newschool.edu]

Happy Spring, old thing! Here’s a shockerooni: We actually smiled at someone on the subway this morning—well hellloooo, sun-induced serotonin!—and it was better than an hour of therapy followed by a brisk Swedish massage. Better enjoy yourselves, New York, before that perky Pope Benedict XVI arrives to clog the streets with security fellows in pointy hats and remind us that all we’re going to hell! (He’ll be staying, apparently, on East 72nd Street, home to nice, discreet gays with small yappy dogs.) And apparently he plans to visit the Jews at one of their synagogues on East 67th Street. (How big of you, sir! We’ve been meaning to visit them ourselves!) Alas, he will narrowly miss slightly soiled Catholic Rudy Giuliani, who’s acting as Honorary Chair of the Violet Ball at Lincoln Center, a glitzy gala benefitting N.Y.U. Medical Center, which could use some spiffing up, frankly. The actual “Chairman” will be bouncy bald billionaire Ronald Perelman, owner of the most happenin’ yacht on the Mediterranean; and promised attendees include those crazy star-crossed lovers Jack and Suzy Welch, plus designer Vera Wang. (Where’s Gina Gershon when you need her?) Meanwhile, ingenue actresses Emmy Rossum, Eva Amurri (Susan Sarandon spawn) and Joy Bryant scrub off the remains of their chemical peels, put on their best chiffon finery and swoosh over to the New Yorkers for Children New Years in April. Theme: “A Fool’s Fete”—hey, they said it, not us! Also expected: models Karolina Kurkova and Maggie Rizer, rapper-actor Andre Benjamin, designer Georgina Chapman and movie mogul Harvey Weinstein—there is some concern he may eat the models. … The whole shebang will be “chaired” by international fashionista Margherita Maccapani Missoni and charity-circuit regulars Coralie Charriol Paul, Vanessa Weiner von Bismark and Stephanie Winston Wolkoff. Yes, it seems to be now required that all glossy-haired socialite dopes have three names. …

[The Violet Ball, the Tent at Lincoln Center, 6 p.m., 212-404-3654; “New Year’s in April: A Fool’s Fete 2008,” Mandarin Oriental, 80 Columbus Circle, 7:30 p.m., 212-678-0231]

Wu-Tang So? April is making us long for the sticky depravity of July, when everyone gets the hell out of here for the weekend and we can have our evenings of Lost without the side of self-loathing. In the meantime, we’ll drag ourselves to the Fillmore to see the Wu-Tang Clan, immediately get both a backache and a headache, feel too old for this damn city, and finally escape home to our new Murder, She Wrote box set. See—life does work out!

[Wu-Tang Clan at the Fillmore, 17 Irving Place, 9:30 p.m., 212-777-6800]

Peanuts are not your friend! While we admit that lunch (chomp-chomp-chomp!) with the Food Allergy Initiative sounds slightly dangerous somehow, there will be a glamorous Tuesday afternoon crowd including “raffle co-chairs” Liana Silverstein Backal and Vogue’s Stephanie Winston Wolkoff, with wise words from Mary Richardson Kennedy, wife of hot enviro-hunk and falconer Robert F. Kennedy Jr. We hope he brings the bird!

[Food Allergy Initiative’s Spring Luncheon, Cipriani 42nd Street, 11:30 a.m., 212-207-1974]

Loving Up the Lansbury! The National Corporate Theatre Fund honors the great Angela Lansbury at Cipriani’s Pegasus in Rockefeller Center. Murder, She Wrote was our absolute favorite show 15 years ago, so we called her up immediately and she was delightfully humble! “You can be only honored so many times, and there comes a point when you tell yourself ‘Thank you very much, but, you know …’” said Ms. Lansbury. She added, “There’s never enough money for theater these days,” and the gala is raising money for that purpose. Ms. Lansbury said that Jessica Fletcher’s fan base has not dwindled (the show went off the air in 1996). Some fans “kind of clutch on to [Murder, She Wrote] as a lifesaving device,” she said. “I meet people all the time and they still watch it—these are adults. They associated it with very good times, and thank goodness. I’m terribly grateful and very proud of the show for that reason.” And of Jessica Fletcher herself: “I liked her liberal attitude to life. I felt that she was a woman with a very open mind. And she loved young people. I loved that about her.” Meanwhile, do gals make you guffaw? The female-empowerment rag Bust Magazine grabs the stage at Comix for “The Hysterical Fundraiser,” an all-woman comedy event (uh-oh) raising money for a larger festival in October (double uh-oh). Explained host Carolyn Castiglia: “In light of all the recent Christopher Hitchens hoopla”—i.e., his recent screed in Vanity Fair on why the fairer sex isn’t funny—“I think Desiree [Burch], who founded this festival, said, ‘O.K., let’s just do something that puts this to rest once and for all. ...’ It’s not necessarily about an über-feminist spirit. It’s just about girls who love life and love being a girl. It’s certainly by no means about being bitter with men and being sour grapes about the tits that were handed us. It’s like, ‘Oh, your tits are pretty, too, let’s go do something!’” Oh, let’s!

[National Corporate Theatre Fund’s 2008 Chairman’s Awards Gala, Cipriani’s Pegasus, 30 Rockefeller Center, 6:30 p.m., 212-750-6895; The Hysterical Fundraiser, Comix, 353 West 14th Street, 8 p.m., http://events.hystericalfestival.com]

We’re waiting like a clingy girlfriend for that ever-elusive New York spring that will, in the end, just taunt and tease us for a week or two before abandoning us in the sweaty stink and muggy muck of summer. (Hey, anyone else notice the subways are getting dirtier, more rat-infested, less-police-patrolled and more erratic? Please, Mayor Bloomberg, get together with the morons at the M.T.A. and fix this problem before the dog days of August!) Luckily we have the final day of the ABC Carpet & Home Antique Rug Sale to think about, because we must figure out which recycled Turkish, Persian, Caucasian or Art Deco Chinese Rug we will help save the planet with!

[ABC Carpet & Home Antique Rug Sale, 888 Broadway, 11 a.m. to 6:30 p.m.]

Ever since the Beatles rocked Shea Stadium, Brit bands insist upon flocking (flap-flap-flap) to our shores. Today, trudge with the mind-enhancement crowd to Terminal 5 to see electro-rock band Hot Chip, after which the evening’s only possible finale involves veggie corn-dogs and, oh goody, Ashton Kutcher on Saturday Night Live! How much longer are we going to pretend that he’s going to stick around and grow old with Demi?

[Hot Chip at Terminal 5, 610 West 56th Street, 7 p.m., www.ticketmaster.com]

What’s cuter than a 4 p.m. birthday party for a guy who’s turning 75? Not much! Philip Roth—the most disciplined man in show business, as judging by his unabated avalanche of novels—is feted at Columbia University, where he’ll be toasted by the Library of America, the National Book Foundation and a packed house of panting guys and dolls of all literary ages.

[Philip Roth 75th Birthday Tribute, Miller Theater, Columbia University, 2960 Broadway, 4 p.m.]

Are you opening a store? Then you need a busload of dames! Christian Lacroix opens his 57th Street boutique with a haul of pulchritudinous peaches such as Kim Raver of Lipstick Jungle—the reason we’re not (that) scared of 40 anymore—Cristina Greeven Cuomo, Vanity Fair’s Amy Fine Collins, Allison Sarofim ( best known for Halloween parties), the recently emancipated Blaine Trump, stylist Rachel Zoe and designer Diane Von Furstenberg. Make our peach-papaya cosmo-tini a double, please! And then, ladies, it’s time to do good for Fido (may want to leave the fur behind for this one): Animal lovers dress in orange and congregate in Union Square to meet the stars of Animal Precinct and adopt eligible canines. Woof! Finally, The Observer’s own sartorial genius Simon Doonan spiffs up Barnes & Noble with a reading from Eccentric Glamour, his latest fashionable tome. “Simon Doonan promises to machine gun the audience with vital style tips,” e-mailed the man himself. “He will also share some of the low-points of his career, including his tragic forays into the cut-throat world of celeb impersonation. His specialty was QE2.”

[Christian Lacroix boutique opening, 36 East 57th Street, 6 p.m., by invite only; ASPCA Day, Union Square, www.aspca.org/aspcaday; Simon Doonan reading, Barnes & Noble Lincoln Center, 7:30 p.m.]

Now that Billary Clinton have pretended to fire top strategist Mark Penn, we’re preparing ourselves for Hillary 9.0 (or is it 10.0?). Honestly, it makes for better television than TMZ! (Pssst—anyone scalping ringside seats for Denver?) Meanwhile, are we the only ones who suspect that up close, John McCain smells just like flowers? Here in Gotham, in just two months all the sparkly people hop helicopters to the Hamptons, so the race is on for charities to soak up the funds before the fat cats flee. Tonight’s Gala Benefit Preview for the AIPAD Photography Show at the Park Avenue Armory boasts a Lauder as co-chair and a Rockefeller as honorary co-chair, joined by additional honorary co-chairs Agnes Gund (MoMA honchette) and Jerry Speyer (real estate honcho). Proceeds flow to MoMA’s photography acquisitions. In funkier news, actress Rosie Perez is hosting master classes that pair celebrity artists with underprivileged schoolchildren through Working Playground, an organization “I started with my ex-husband’s sister, Amy Poux. It was her brainchild,” explained Ms. Perez, calling from L.A. (where she had just, incidentally, left the company of rich slackers Evan Goldberg and Seth Rogen, writers of her next movie, Pineapple Express, in which she plays “a crooked cop who sells marijuana”). Ms. Perez has been involved with the group for 14 years, she said. “We allow their emotional intelligence to grow through art,” she said of the kids in the 50 schools that use Working Playground. And nonprofit organizations are no cakewalk, she added: “I’ve taught. I campaign for money. I campaign by public awareness by going on shows. I campaign by doing fund-raisers. Mostly it’s begging for money.” You’re telling us. … Meanwhile, out in Brooklyn, home to a nascent gala scene featuring less Botox but equal detox, the BAM 2008 Spring Gala celebrates Paul Simon’s Under African Skies—which the knight himself will perform live—and attracts the likes of Mario Batali, Steve Buscemi, David Byrne, Caroline Kennedy, Charles Grodin, Willem Dafoe, Paul Giamatti, Parker Posey, Susan Sarandon—O.K., Brooklyn, you win!

[Gala Benefit Preview for the AIPAD Photography Show, Park Avenue Armory, Park Avenue and 67th Street, 5 p.m., 212-4708-9680; Working Playground Interactive Master Classes, Facing History High School, 525 West 50th Street, 3 p.m. to 6 p.m., 718-336-0716; BAM Spring Gala, Howard Gilman Opera House, 30 Lafayette Avenue, Brooklyn, 6 p.m., 718-636-4182]

Remember WMD? What a non-blast from the past! Back then Hillary “Bombs Away!” Clinton insisted sneaky ole Saddam was hiding something and we needed to invade—he hadn’t been “vetted”! Tonight former U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix, currently chair of the international Weapons of Mass Destruction Commission, delivers a lecture at New York University, “Time for a Revival of Disarmament?” Maybe—though it is definitely time for a donut.

[Hans Blix lecture, 19 West Fourth Street, 6:30 p.m.]

Weiner with relish! Chick-lit lass Jennifer Weiner reads from Certain Girls, a sequel to Good in Bed. Bonus dirty excerpt! “Her job now was self-maintenance, and she worked at it harder than I’d worked at any paid employment I’d ever had. ... The personal trainer, the yoga and pilates, the facials, the waxing … It was, perhaps, the one good thing about never having been beautiful—you didn’t have to kill yourself trying to hold on to something you’d never had in the first place.”

[Jennifer Weiner reading, Barnes & Noble Lincoln Center, 1972 Broadway, 7:30 p.m.]

Every scruffy lit lad under 30 storms the Tribeca Barnes & Noble to take a crack at Sloane Crosley, comely princess of book publicity, as she acts all goofy—and, reads from her essay collection, I Was Told There’d Be Cake. In other news of dames and damsels, Glamour high priestess Cindi Leive fetes contributing editor Sheila Weller and her book, Girls Like Us: Carole King, Joni Mitchell, Carly Simon—and the Journey of a Generation, at the Waverly Inn. “I knew I wanted to write a history of the women of my generation—the 60’s. But how?” wrote Ms. Weller via e-mail. We give up! How? “The idea to write the story through the lives of Carole King, Joni Mitchell and Carly Simon—whose personae and songs epitomized the generation—came to me in 2002. … These women had big lives to match their great songs.” Later, tap dancin’ dervish Savion Glover hosts the Tap & Tapas Spring Benefit, with proceeds going to the Harlem educational dance organization Groove With Me, and features tasty morsels from swell chefs including Tom Colicchio, April Bloomfield, Claudia Fleming of the North Fork Inn & Table and Katie Lee Joel, forerunner of P